Last night I attended a parent meeting at school.
I love our charter school for many reasons, not the least of which is whenever there is an event/potluck, they ask that everyone bring their own plates, utensils and cups in order to reduce trash. I love this. I also wish I brought a larger dish to eat from, as the food was excellent.
The meeting was more of a discussion, facilitated by the school counselor. The topic was motivation. What motivates your child? What works well with various learning styles? How can we help set the atmosphere and expectations? Parents of children of all ages attended and it was great to be able to listen, discuss, commiserate and celebrate together.
Today, as I put off (again!) something that needs to get done it occurred to me to ask myself, "what motivates you?" The answer was obvious and immediate. For most of my life my motivators have been fear, shame and guilt. This doesn't feel good. It never has. I realize I procrastinate until the "shoulds" kick in and then I miserably drag myself to complete the task, fully expecting to be criticized or corrected. My inner voice is mean and harsh and tells me I deserve it because it's all my fault for not starting sooner, not doing my best, not spending my time differently, etc., etc..
I developed procrastination as a response to my uncomfortableness at not being perfect. That way I had an excuse. "Well, of course it's not perfect, I waited until the night before!" Procrastination also fed the motivators of fear, shame and guilt. I would wait until one (or all) of those feelings kicked in and would act only when I couldn't stand the heaping pile of misery that was accumulating.
I wonder what it would feel like to be motivated differently? Until today, I haven't recognized my own participation (via procrastination and mean self-talk) in the fear/shame/guilt cycle.
---> put off responsibilities
---> accumulate fear of consequences of being late or irresponsible, guilt at not being "good"
and starting sooner, shame at being "bad"
---> keep putting it off until I can't any longer
---> hurry to do the work at the cost of other responsibilities
---> finish the work (mostly) but feel terribly about it
---> criticize myself, berate myself for not starting sooner, not doing "my best"
---> fear/shame/guilt cycle continues
This applies to me for everything from cleaning my toilets to doing work that I like and signed up for! Now that I'm aware I am free to choose differently! I can speak kindly to myself, with encouragement.
As I've healed and gradually become more whole through counseling, therapy, medication, codependents anonymous, and lots of self-care I've experienced a little of what it's like to be motivated by love and relationship and the sheer joy of doing something I love for the sake of the pleasure it brings me!
It feels so much better.
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Recovery. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
AAA
I have spent the past thirty minutes wrestling with a knitting pattern. I'm attempting to learn two new stitches AND add a second color (not in the original pattern.) What I have envisioned is exactly what I want and so I fight with the yarn, pattern and needles to see if it's even possible to achieve exactly what I want. All this under Tesla's close supervision, of course.
I think I've finally figured it out but I'll have to try it tomorrow. I'm currently too tense and cross-eyed to continue.
---
People in recovery often talk about the the three A's. Awareness, acceptance and action. It's impossible to change something if I'm unaware, so I've come to see awareness as a gift. I become aware (slowly or suddenly) of something about myself that I'd like to do differently. Maybe a habitual thought or maybe a familiar reaction. Whatever it is, I'm aware of it now and want to try something else.
So I jump to action. Because that's what I want to do - change it. Change it now. Take charge, come up with all the answers myself and stay in control.
I have completely ignored the acceptance piece of it.
Without paying close attention to the acceptance step I tend to remain in judgement of myself and whatever it is I'd like to try and change. I find myself refusing to admit the full reality of whatever my awareness has just shown me. I jump to action as quickly as possible because I'd like to stay in control and change right away! I prefer to minimize and deny and look for some little quick-fix rule. I jump to action in order to stay slightly in denial. I'm insecure and don't want to risk full awareness because of what it might mean about myself. Maybe I really am all-bad and there is no hope? Let's not stop to find out! Onward!
This doesn't end well. I can't change myself and when I try it often works for a little while and ends with increasing amounts of harsh self-criticism.
Acceptance is a hard thing for me to give myself. Acceptance all the time, wherever I am in the process. It's an easy thing for God to give myself.
I think I've equated "acceptance" to "apathy." If I accept something then that means there's nothing at all I can do and I'm miserable and hopeless and just have to deal with the way things are forever and ever.
But that's not true. Acceptance just means seeing reality and agreeing with it.
Full, deep acceptance is good news because then I can move on to actions that will be far more helpful than the actions that came without acceptance.
---
“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I think I've finally figured it out but I'll have to try it tomorrow. I'm currently too tense and cross-eyed to continue.
---
People in recovery often talk about the the three A's. Awareness, acceptance and action. It's impossible to change something if I'm unaware, so I've come to see awareness as a gift. I become aware (slowly or suddenly) of something about myself that I'd like to do differently. Maybe a habitual thought or maybe a familiar reaction. Whatever it is, I'm aware of it now and want to try something else.
So I jump to action. Because that's what I want to do - change it. Change it now. Take charge, come up with all the answers myself and stay in control.
I have completely ignored the acceptance piece of it.
Without paying close attention to the acceptance step I tend to remain in judgement of myself and whatever it is I'd like to try and change. I find myself refusing to admit the full reality of whatever my awareness has just shown me. I jump to action as quickly as possible because I'd like to stay in control and change right away! I prefer to minimize and deny and look for some little quick-fix rule. I jump to action in order to stay slightly in denial. I'm insecure and don't want to risk full awareness because of what it might mean about myself. Maybe I really am all-bad and there is no hope? Let's not stop to find out! Onward!
This doesn't end well. I can't change myself and when I try it often works for a little while and ends with increasing amounts of harsh self-criticism.
Acceptance is a hard thing for me to give myself. Acceptance all the time, wherever I am in the process. It's an easy thing for God to give myself.
I think I've equated "acceptance" to "apathy." If I accept something then that means there's nothing at all I can do and I'm miserable and hopeless and just have to deal with the way things are forever and ever.
But that's not true. Acceptance just means seeing reality and agreeing with it.
Full, deep acceptance is good news because then I can move on to actions that will be far more helpful than the actions that came without acceptance.
---
“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Scenarios
Last night I saw the moon rise and it was stunning. Giant, golden, gorgeous and low on the horizon against a dark blue sky. In that first moment I want to call up everyone I know who might care, "You guys! The MOON! Go look RIGHT NOW!" But I don't because who does that (well, me, but only if it's really REALLY picturesque.) After I mentally run through the list of anyone who may be in a position to stop what they're doing and gaze at the moon, I wish for a camera and a hill and no city lights and while I'm at it some really great trees to silhouette1 against it, etc., etc.. Instead, I kept driving, craning my neck for another glance whenever I could.
---
This morning I saw the moon set. It startled me even more awake than I already wasn't - giant, pearly and glowing against a soft blue sky. I took a horrible picture with my horrible phone2 from myhorrible kitchen window. Then I called for everyone in the house to come see. (The moon, not my picture.) But here, you can see the picture, since you probably missed it this morning. It's three trillion times better in person, I assure you.
My bad, this is not from the kitchen window. This is taken from the window above the piano keyboard.
---
I'm reading Bryson's Dictionary of Troublesome Words and as a result am becoming even more acutely aware that I majored in biology and not journalism. Boy do editors have a lot to remember. I enjoy writing and words as a means to an end, which is the expression of ideas. I'm not so terribly concerned about grammar and spelling as long as the person I'm communicating with (a lot of the time the person is only me) can readily understand the idea/meaning/concept. I've gotten much sloppier in my old age and as the amount of reading I'm doing has decreased. Also, my ideas are less clear and more muddy in my brain. This may be due to children stealing my brain cells or lack of practice or both.
---
Sometimes I feel like the avocado seeds I'm trying to grow. For almost four weeks they've sat in cups of water on my window sill, each one suspended by three toothpicks. I top off the water and wait expectantly. "Any day now!" I think optimistically as I inspect the almost-completely-unchanged seed. It looks a little grungier - sort of bruised and cracked in spots. Certainly not capable of pushing life out of it.
But I have hope because I have seen it happen before.
Sometimes I feel like I go through periods of enormous internal growth but nothing becomes visible externally for quite a while. I know I've changed. I FEEL changed. But I don't LOOK changed to other people. I wish I could force it. I wish I could burst forth into a glorious fruit-producing tree overnight and people would oooh and aaah and come sit in my shade and want to know my secret3. I wish that just seeing where I want to be was enough to get me there. I wish that the process wouldn't take so long or require so much, sometimes. I wish to jump ahead and enjoy the fruits without very much labor.
I wish I had a more mature perspective.
Proverbs has a verse about this: "There is profit in all hard work, but endless talk leads only to poverty."
Right. Thanks, Proverbs. I think I'd rather listen to Leviticus on this one: "You must not do any work at all! This is a permanent law for you, and it must be observed from generation to generation wherever you live." (Isn't that the most lovely Bible verse you've ever seen? [Talk about picking and choosing parts of the Bible to fit personal tastes!])
Then there's the verse I love to hate in Galatians: "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."
I have actually quoted this verse to a Christian counselor along with the somewhat martyr-like, self-centered exclamation, "I am SO tired of doing good. I'm just DONE! How much longer do I have to do good? Can I stop yet? I mean seriously. Where's my harvest of blessing?!" I can't remember the reply I got that day but today I remind myself that inner change is change and it is a blessing. Harvests don't have to be external to count. I have a MUCH better relationship with myself today than I did five months ago. Eventually, at just the right time, others will experience a much better relationship with me, too. I really hope it's sooner than later but for now I'm content to work on what I know I need to do and trust that the process will lead to healing and whole relationships outside of me as well.
I have hope because I have seen it happen before.
---
1I just spelled that correctly the first time for what I believe may be the first time in my entire life.
2But don't you fear! I'll be getting an iPhone 5 tomorrow!
3The secret is... there isn't one!
---
This morning I saw the moon set. It startled me even more awake than I already wasn't - giant, pearly and glowing against a soft blue sky. I took a horrible picture with my horrible phone2 from my
My bad, this is not from the kitchen window. This is taken from the window above the piano keyboard.
---
I'm reading Bryson's Dictionary of Troublesome Words and as a result am becoming even more acutely aware that I majored in biology and not journalism. Boy do editors have a lot to remember. I enjoy writing and words as a means to an end, which is the expression of ideas. I'm not so terribly concerned about grammar and spelling as long as the person I'm communicating with (a lot of the time the person is only me) can readily understand the idea/meaning/concept. I've gotten much sloppier in my old age and as the amount of reading I'm doing has decreased. Also, my ideas are less clear and more muddy in my brain. This may be due to children stealing my brain cells or lack of practice or both.
---
Sometimes I feel like the avocado seeds I'm trying to grow. For almost four weeks they've sat in cups of water on my window sill, each one suspended by three toothpicks. I top off the water and wait expectantly. "Any day now!" I think optimistically as I inspect the almost-completely-unchanged seed. It looks a little grungier - sort of bruised and cracked in spots. Certainly not capable of pushing life out of it.
But I have hope because I have seen it happen before.
Sometimes I feel like I go through periods of enormous internal growth but nothing becomes visible externally for quite a while. I know I've changed. I FEEL changed. But I don't LOOK changed to other people. I wish I could force it. I wish I could burst forth into a glorious fruit-producing tree overnight and people would oooh and aaah and come sit in my shade and want to know my secret3. I wish that just seeing where I want to be was enough to get me there. I wish that the process wouldn't take so long or require so much, sometimes. I wish to jump ahead and enjoy the fruits without very much labor.
I wish I had a more mature perspective.
Proverbs has a verse about this: "There is profit in all hard work, but endless talk leads only to poverty."
Right. Thanks, Proverbs. I think I'd rather listen to Leviticus on this one: "You must not do any work at all! This is a permanent law for you, and it must be observed from generation to generation wherever you live." (Isn't that the most lovely Bible verse you've ever seen? [Talk about picking and choosing parts of the Bible to fit personal tastes!])
Then there's the verse I love to hate in Galatians: "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."
I have actually quoted this verse to a Christian counselor along with the somewhat martyr-like, self-centered exclamation, "I am SO tired of doing good. I'm just DONE! How much longer do I have to do good? Can I stop yet? I mean seriously. Where's my harvest of blessing?!" I can't remember the reply I got that day but today I remind myself that inner change is change and it is a blessing. Harvests don't have to be external to count. I have a MUCH better relationship with myself today than I did five months ago. Eventually, at just the right time, others will experience a much better relationship with me, too. I really hope it's sooner than later but for now I'm content to work on what I know I need to do and trust that the process will lead to healing and whole relationships outside of me as well.
I have hope because I have seen it happen before.
---
1I just spelled that correctly the first time for what I believe may be the first time in my entire life.
2But don't you fear! I'll be getting an iPhone 5 tomorrow!
3The secret is... there isn't one!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Sock Thrower
Remember that story about the man who was throwing starfish back into the ocean? No? Then here. It's been adapted many ways. Here's one adaptation taken from the Wikipedia page I just linked to, in which the star of the story is a woman:
It's been quite difficult for me to dissociate my worth from how successfully I do or do not do things. This worked very well when I was employed doing something I enjoyed and was good at. This did not work so well when I became employed in service to my family as a home "maker." The repetitive household chores necessary for life to run smoothly just do not appeal to me. At all. Not even a little bit. I derive no satisfaction from cleaning up after other people (or even myself.) It has been a challenge and how I've viewed myself has suffered, accordingly. If I don't get to be happy with myself until ALL the laundry is washed and put away and ALL the dishes are clean... well then the times I get to be happy with myself are very few and far between!1/2
Before we had children I made tasks like washing dishes and folding laundry slightly more palatable by listening to podcasts or audio books as I worked1. I also wasn't nursing, sleep-deprived, responsible for keeping two little people safe, fed, clean (mostly) and healthy, or distracted by earnest questions from a 5-yr-old such as, "but what is gravity MADE out of?!" Additionally, Superman usually helped. We both had full-time jobs. I didn't like doing dishes or laundry but it was manageable. Then I grew a few kids, stopped working for a paycheck and suddenly it all became my responsibility2.
Keeping the starfish story in mind, I now tell myself that no matter how many times a dirty sock may climb back out of the waves to beach itself upon my couch, or behind the toilet, or under the kitchen table... I can choose to pick it up and each time it will have made a difference for that one. Even if it's the same one. Multiple times a day. Each time I wash a dish it will have made a difference for that one, that time. All my precious little starfish... the paper scraps... the dirty underwear... the books... the stuffed animal... the cat toy... the pile of crayons... let me throw you back where you belong. It makes a difference every time.
This intentional shift of perspective has helped my expectations be a tad more reasonable. It's also given me the freedom to do what I can and accept that I may never have all the socks clean and folded and put away3.
Surprisingly, I've found I've been able to do so much more as a result. I've been freed to do more. Now that the pressure is off to get ALL the starfish back where they belong TODAY (which is an impossible expectation), I'm able to slow down and enjoy the process. Yes, I sometimes enjoy folding laundry and doing dishes. Whether or not I get them all done that hour or even that day has no bearing on my worth.
I'm learning to consistently find my worth in someone far more substantial than any of my accomplishments - a loving higher power.
Along those lines and with a lovely additional point, I highly recommend reading this post, by Kathryn Thompson at Daring Young Mom. It's long but the ending is so worth it.
-----
1/2Unless anti-depressants are involved and even then I wasn't convinced happiness with myself was an option.
1Now I choose to remain unplugged and available during the hours my kids and husband are awake and home.
2Which I initially agreed it should be. We're still working out the kinks in the balance of responsibilities we both have, as well as our skills and personal preferences.
3Until I train my children to do it all!
An old man had a habit of early morning walks on the beach. One day, after a storm, he saw a human figure in the distance moving like a dancer. As he came closer he saw that it was a young woman and she was not dancing but was reaching down to the sand, picking up a starfish and very gently throwing them into the ocean.I've decided to change my perspective. I don't have a starfish problem. I have a dirty sock problem. I don't have miles and miles of beach. I have inches and inches of counter with stranded cereal bowls littering its surface. Many times throughout my day I've found myself thinking "I cannot possibly make a difference." My pattern in the past has alternated between working feverishly on one thing and ignoring all other needs or giving up entirely and doing nothing. Neither of those approaches work very well for me and it's taken me five or so years to come to that conclusion. I'm ready to do something differently, even if it's only in the way I think. Especially if it's only in the way I think.
"Young lady," he asked, "Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"
"The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I do not throw them in they will die."
"But young lady, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You cannot possibly make a difference."
The young woman listened politely, paused and then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves,
saying, "It made a difference for that one."
It's been quite difficult for me to dissociate my worth from how successfully I do or do not do things. This worked very well when I was employed doing something I enjoyed and was good at. This did not work so well when I became employed in service to my family as a home "maker." The repetitive household chores necessary for life to run smoothly just do not appeal to me. At all. Not even a little bit. I derive no satisfaction from cleaning up after other people (or even myself.) It has been a challenge and how I've viewed myself has suffered, accordingly. If I don't get to be happy with myself until ALL the laundry is washed and put away and ALL the dishes are clean... well then the times I get to be happy with myself are very few and far between!1/2
Before we had children I made tasks like washing dishes and folding laundry slightly more palatable by listening to podcasts or audio books as I worked1. I also wasn't nursing, sleep-deprived, responsible for keeping two little people safe, fed, clean (mostly) and healthy, or distracted by earnest questions from a 5-yr-old such as, "but what is gravity MADE out of?!" Additionally, Superman usually helped. We both had full-time jobs. I didn't like doing dishes or laundry but it was manageable. Then I grew a few kids, stopped working for a paycheck and suddenly it all became my responsibility2.
Keeping the starfish story in mind, I now tell myself that no matter how many times a dirty sock may climb back out of the waves to beach itself upon my couch, or behind the toilet, or under the kitchen table... I can choose to pick it up and each time it will have made a difference for that one. Even if it's the same one. Multiple times a day. Each time I wash a dish it will have made a difference for that one, that time. All my precious little starfish... the paper scraps... the dirty underwear... the books... the stuffed animal... the cat toy... the pile of crayons... let me throw you back where you belong. It makes a difference every time.
This intentional shift of perspective has helped my expectations be a tad more reasonable. It's also given me the freedom to do what I can and accept that I may never have all the socks clean and folded and put away3.
Surprisingly, I've found I've been able to do so much more as a result. I've been freed to do more. Now that the pressure is off to get ALL the starfish back where they belong TODAY (which is an impossible expectation), I'm able to slow down and enjoy the process. Yes, I sometimes enjoy folding laundry and doing dishes. Whether or not I get them all done that hour or even that day has no bearing on my worth.
I'm learning to consistently find my worth in someone far more substantial than any of my accomplishments - a loving higher power.
Along those lines and with a lovely additional point, I highly recommend reading this post, by Kathryn Thompson at Daring Young Mom. It's long but the ending is so worth it.
-----
1/2Unless anti-depressants are involved and even then I wasn't convinced happiness with myself was an option.
1Now I choose to remain unplugged and available during the hours my kids and husband are awake and home.
2Which I initially agreed it should be. We're still working out the kinks in the balance of responsibilities we both have, as well as our skills and personal preferences.
3Until I train my children to do it all!
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