Typing for the sake of writing

Dear diary. I don't believe in diaries.

Dear journal,

I'm sitting in this recliner instead of closing the computer and going to bed. The cats are grumbling in the bathroom. I should probably move them to the master bathroom before company comes tomorrow night. They will remain there until Tesla gets neutered, which I hope will be happening soon.

So remember that whole depression thing? I emailed the Dr. to complain about my medication dosage. It seemed to me like it was picking me up TOO much. For an hour or so each morning I'd be restless and jittery. So she wrote a prescription for a lower dose and I haven't picked it up yet because it turns out I was probably feeling that way due to being in the middle of moving and trying to pack for our family's first camping trip (sort of.) There was good reason for me to feel slightly panicky. I'll probably pick up the prescription and use that when I'm done with the current batch of pills.

Aaahhhhh, just reclined the recliner.

Last night I cried for 15 whole minutes because I'm not nursing Elaine any more. It was rather unexpected, by me and by Superman. I haven't been breastfeeding for over 2 months now. What triggered it was the last entry in my hand-written journal (yes, I still do that) in which I mentioned having to go nurse, all casual-like, because there wasn't anything special about nursing. Little did I know I'd only be doing it for less than a month longer.

Superman was valiant in his efforts to swoop in and save me from my emotions (it's so rare that I emote anything at all) but I told him I just needed to cry. I know I made the right decision in stopping breastfeeding, and now I just wanted to grieve the loss because I know very well what I'm missing. That was strange. I'm not a crier. Like, I never cry. And here I was having EMOTIONS. Girl-type emotions, even. The kind where you snivel into your hands and say between sobs, "I just need to have a good cry and I'll be better." People, I have NEVER, EVER said anything like that before. Odd. But progress, in my opinion.

I'm seriously putting off going to bed now. Let's see... what else can I talk about.

I love how the girls are interacting now, and it really is that - interacting! Elaine is always watching her sister, laughing more freely with her, crawling over to be smack dab in the middle of whatever she is doing. I don't know what it's like to have a sister so close in age - mine was a brother, and we got along really well. I hope I can direct them to have a good, rewarding relationship. It looks as if it's starting out that way and that makes me happy.

I'm beginning to feel as if having three children might not be so impossible. There were many, many, MANY days when I looked at Elaine and assumed she'd be the last baby I'd give birth to. If I had to go through what I went though (read: post partum depression) again (non-medicated) I would absolutely not have another child. I wouldn't be able to care for my children, plain and simple. They say it gets progressively worse with each baby, too. I had wanted four kids for so long but am now wondering if that's not in store for me. I still want to influence and touch the lives of children but I'm thinking there won't be as many of my own.

And I think I've used up nearly all the topics floating around in my head.

Sincerely,

beck

A labor and delivery story

*First draft. I'll be back to fine-tune/edit but I figured I'd go ahead and publish it now. Italicized tweets are dispersed throughout. =)* My last prenatal appointment was Monday and I went straight to Panera afterwards. I wanted to be sure to squeeze in as many dates with myself at Panera as possible before the newest little person in our family arrived and consumed all or most of my time and energy. I had contractions off and on all day Tuesday starting at 4 am.

Operation baby watch: hardly any contractions today. A few last night that were strong enough to wake me up. Dinner at Chevy's still on. =) 1:54 PM Jan 28th

They died down on Wednesday and so we continued with our plan to go out to eat at Chevy's with some old friends. I had the steak tostada salad along with piles of chips and delicious salsa. Nothing remarkable happened.  

Now paranoid that my water will break all over my awesome sheepskin boots. And how do you clean that up? 8:14 PM Jan 28th

I now know my water has a tendency to break at the last possible second, which is good for the baby's protection, I suppose, but maddening as far as progressing onward with labor. We were in bed a little before 10 pm and the contractions started up again. This time they didn't go away if I changed position or lay down and relaxed.

OOOOOOOOOOWWWW. Ow ow ow. Will probably call Kaiser in the next half hour or so if this doesn't let up. 10:19 PM Jan 28th

The contractions kept on fooling me. One would be absolutely, horrifically, breathtakingly painful and then the next two or three would be all ho-hum, no need to be scrambling for the hospital here! One step forward and two or three steps... no where? I don't know. I finally decided to call Kaiser even though only every third contraction was really worth calling them over.

Told husband I was going to call Kaiser. He said, "OK" agreeably and fell back asleep. Hmm. 10:42 PM Jan 28th

He did! He really did! You'd think he'd be slightly more excited that perhaps the famous, "IT'S TIME!" line was probably about to happen... but no. And I'm not really surprised. He sleeps like a corpse. I've learned long ago that anything said to him while his body is horizontal should NOT be assumed to be understood or remembered. It's a very good thing he's not the one nursing/waking up at night. Our babies would die.

On hold with Kaiser. Hoped to talk w/them between contractions. Dang. 10:57 PM Jan 28th

Well that says something to the intensity of my contractions... the fact that I prefered not to talk through them. I could, I just didn't want to because my voice got all high and breathy as I tried to ride the contraction out. And that made me sound like a wuss. I have pride issues. Heaven forbid a woman in labor sound like she IS IN PAIN. Good grief.

Hah. Hold music is "Don't you worry about a thing..." 10:57 PM Jan 28th

Very appropriate for labor and delivery hold music. Though still not that comforting because, hello, I am at home and the music is at the hospital - where I would find it a whole lot easier not to worry about a thing given that I'd be surrounded by nurses/doctors/professionals. And yes, I know women give birth at home all the time and have for thousands of years but ever since Val was born NOT BREATHING I can't help but prefer the hospital atmosphere, medical professionals and all.

They said I can come in whenever, but won't admit me until I'm 4 cm. Wish I could check myself. Have a feeling I'm not there yet. Will wait. 11:03 PM Jan 28th

I still remember the nurse's voice and tone. She was rather unconcerned. Asked me questions about my last labor, listened to me tell her about the frequency and duration of my contractions. I could tell she wasn't convinced. She said it was up to me. Bah.

going to the hospital. praying i'll be 4 cm. 12:13 AM Jan 29th

So I waited another hour. Notice my tweets are no longer properly capitalized. Evidence of pain, or laziness. Or pain. I woke up Superman and he loaded the car and got dressed. We dropped Val off at our friends' house and managed to forget to leave shoes with her. Oh well. We almost drove off without leaving her car seat (ha!), but fortunately I was coherent enough to remind Superman to leave it.

oh jeez. contractions in the car aren't fun. 12:31 AM Jan 29th

To say the least. And we had to drive twice as far to the Kaiser hospital than it took to get to the hospital I delivered Val at. Caltrans has started re-paving the freeway going the OTHER direction. Nice. The road was horrible. Even the smoothest lane was so rough. I ended up just closing my eyes because seeing the pothole coming caused me to tense up and made the contraction worse. Superman put his super-duper driving skills to good use and we made it to the hospital in record time.

Since the daytime doors to labor and delivery were closed we parked in the regular parking lot and had to come in through the 24-hour doors to the clinic. It was cold. Superman offered to get a wheelchair but I turned up my nose. My legs still functioned. Walking would help me progress and I needed all the progression I could get. Now that we were at the hospital I was even more sure it was all in vain and I was probably a mere 2 cm dilated. I plodded along in my sheepskin boots, clinging to Superman's arm, hoping my water wouldn't break. We didn't lug anything with us as we wanted to be sure we would be admitted first. A security guard with a hard-to-place accent walked over and directed us to the correct doors. Plod plod plod. Up an elevator. Plod plod plod... and... L & D front desk!

I explained I had called a few hours earlier. She looked me over and I'm sure was questioning if in fact I was in labor, and didn't I know not to come until I was 4 cm?! I prayed I was 4 cm. I handed over my Kaiser card, signed paper work, talked briefly about my contractions. I had a few contractions while standing there and other than holding up my hand to indicate I couldn't talk just then, didn't do anything dramatic to signify that I was about to push a child out of my body. I'm sure no one believed me. I didn't believe me. I felt like saying, uh, actually I made a mistake, I'll just go labor at home for a few more hours, silly me coming to the hospital so soon... I'm sure it's nothing.

"OK well lets get you back to the examination room, then." She led the way and left me in the bathroom with a cup for a urine sample. Great. I get to pee into a tiny cup one more time. I manged to get it done between contractions. They were coming every 2 to 3 to 4 minutes now and lasting at least a minute. Then it was onto a table to be checked. Hooray! My first internal exam ever this pregnancy! At long last I get to see how my cervix felt about letting child number two enter the world. Please God let it be 4, all I want is 4 cm. I'll be happy with 3, but please make it 4...

"I can't believe what I'm feeling," exclaimed the nurse, looking shocked. Fantastic. I'm at a 1 or 2. Boo. You suck at labor, body. Get ready to pace the halls as your punishment.

"You're a good 8-9 cm dilated and your cervix is nice and thin. Let's get you admitted!" I nearly fell off the bed. And I had just told her my pain was a five on a scale of one to ten. What was I smoking?! EIGHT cm? Seriously?!?! You rock, cervix! I'm so sorry for ever doubting you! Oh crap I have to get antibiotics in me before this baby comes out! Dangit!

they allow cell phones! lucky us! I'm 8-9 cm. and astonished. no epidural for me this time. kinda wanted to try it. 1:50 AM Jan 29th

Four nurses hurried to get me settled in the labor/delivery room and a fifth ran down to the pharmacy to pick up the antibiotics. Since I am Group B Strep positive this pregnancy (I wasn't last time, odd) I needed to take some antibiotics before giving birth in order to reduce Elaine's chances of picking up the bacteria on her way out of me. If she did, she could become seriously ill. Antibiotics would reduce her chances of getting the bacteria to 1 in a few thousand instead of 1 in a couple hundred.

I got stuck with an IV and the antibiotics poured in, making my arm cold. The nurses brought a hot towel and wrapped the IV tubing and my arm in it and that helped. The time was 3:30 AM. I spoke with my nurse about pain and what my options were. Obviously I was a little too far advanced for an epidural. I could still get one but most women use the epidural to get to the point I was already at, at which point they like to decrease it a little so they can feel to push. I could feel, to push and otherwise. Drat. Why the heck did Eve ever have to believe that dumb serpent anyhow? I was sort of disappointed because unlike my last labor, I was thinking I might get an epidural this time. Let there be no mistake - labor HURTS. I knew the pain ahead and I wasn't all that thrilled about having to endure it again if I didn't have to, but I knew that it would probably be wiser to decline an epidural this time as well. Poo.

http://twitpic.com/18mbn - Come ON baby! 2:07 AM Jan 29th

Still in shock that I was sitting there EIGHT whole centimeters dilated. Dang. Go me.

- My labor coach hard at work. Seriously. Never let it be said I don't do all the work around here. At least he ... 2:32 AM Jan 29th

The next time I give birth in the middle of the night coffee for Superman is ESSENTIAL. I can appreciate that 3 am isn't the greatest time to be awake but sheesh, your wife is in labor, man. Your second daughter will be born soon. WAKE UP. =) I was so thankful that he wasn't sick so I didn't mind him being tired but when he asked me, "do you mind if I take a quick nap?" I glared at him and said, "YES, I mind!" If he had gone to sleep (which he did, a few seconds at a time as he sat next to me, I was watching) I would have been completely alone. Laboring alone sucks.

just took a narcotic to take the edge off my triple-peaking contractions. making me sleepy. 3:45 AM Jan 29th

Boy was that drug a doozy! Fentanyl is my friend! Actually, it only felt weird right as they dosed me. I felt all warm and tired for a few minutes and then felt pretty much normal. I SO wanted to save the print-out from the contraction monitor. Those contractions were seriously serious. I should have taken a picture. They wouldn't let me take the print-out, I asked.

At one point the nurse came in and asked if I was ready for some pain relief. "Those contractions are lasting a LONG time!" was her comment. "I KNOW." was my comment. I swear some of the contractions peaked five times before going away completely. With every one I expected (hoped!) my water would break. The drug was fast-acting and wore off after an hour which was good because we didn't want any of it staying in the baby if I were to deliver soon. The effect it had on me was to make it seem like I was getting a bit of a break between contraction peaks, even though my body wasn't relaxing all the way, necessarily. The contractions still hurt, unfortunately. Also unfortunately, the drug wore off before I had to push.

at 9 cm and not moving/walking around in order to try and get a second dose of antibiotics in me because I'm GBS+ 3:49 AM Jan 29th

Right after I had been admitted, the doctor on call came in and talked with me. He was nice, but I'm glad I ended up being delivered by a midwife. The doctors deliver from 7 pm to 7 am and midwives deliver during the day. I just find it a lot easier to listen to a woman who's had a child of her own tell me to push than a man who lacks a uterus altogether. He probably would have broken my water to get things going sooner but I needed another dose of antibiotics before we could forgo blood tests on Elaine within a few hours of birth. So I wanted to try and wait it out. The doses are normally given 4 hours apart but in my case they gave me the second dose at 6:30 am, three hours after the first one. I knew that if I stood up and walked around, labor would definitely speed up. So I stayed on the bed and contracted away.

The midwife came in at 7 am and we decided she would break my water as soon as the second dose of antibiotics was administered. It took half an hour for the second dose to go in, and she broke my water at 7:15 am. Towards the end I was sure my water was going to break on its own with every contraction. Did I mention the lovely fentanyl had worn off?!? I was worried about meconium staining (given Val's birth) but when she broke my water there was only a very light stain. Otherwise my water was very clear and thin. Praise God.

Now I got to push. Oh good lord was that ever the worst. AAAAAAAAAAH. To those of you who have already heard my birth story I apologize for going on and on about how this time the pushing was horrid but... IT WAS. I can't emphasize it enough. Truly horrible. I pushed for an hour with Val and 20 minutes with Elaine but I would PREFER my pushing experience with Val if I could pick. Really! With Val it was as if I didn't have to work at all. Heck yeah it hurt but I didn't have a choice in the matter. My body pushed without me and I went along with it, coping as best I could. With Elaine there was none of that help. And she was still at -1 station when the midwife broke my water so I had to push her ALL that way down. I had to muster up every last ounce of energy myself and power through it. UGH I hated it. You know the only way to make it stop is to keep going but you also feel quite a bit of pain with each push and who wants to collect energy just to experience more pain?!?! Not I. The pushing, it was horrible.

One thing that wasn't horrible about the pushing was the fact that the father of the child I had to push out of me was right by my side! He was fantastic. He never stopped telling me what a great job I was doing. He held my arms/leg/head and fed me ice chips. When our daughter was finally born he was right there with me on an emotional high, exclaiming at the perfection of our little girl. He didn't get to be in the room for Val's birth (too busy vomiting in the hall, you know) so it was really great for him to be able to see Elaine be born. He said he was a whole lot less grossed out than he thought he'd be. I remember that he couldn't stop smiling and telling me what an awesome job I did and telling Elaine how beautiful and perfect she was. And she was. Still is.

As soon as her head emerged they suctioned her nose and mouth and her cry was instant. It wasn't a weak, halfhearted cry either. It was a royally pissed-off cry and loud. I grinned. They placed her right up on my chest, all squirmy, wet and warm and I collapsed back in gratitude, tearfully thankful for her strong cry and for the experience of my brand new baby in my arms just seconds after birth. I didn't get either of those things with Val. The midwife held up the umbilical cord and praised its strong and healthy structure. Much different than Val's cord, which was around her neck AND in a knot.

As soon as Elaine was placed on my chest she calmed down to the sound of my voice, stopped crying and was quietly alert. Her eyes were open and she peered around, turtle-like. She lifted her head completely off my chest which shocked me! So strong! I "put her to breast" (for some reason I hate that phrase) and she nursed on both sides within the first hour. I couldn't have been more thrilled with the whole experience.

Hi little girl! 7:50 am, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21 in. long. SO glad that's over with. 7:05 AM Jan 29th

I don't know why the time is off on the Twitter time stamp. Didn't realize the discrepancy until now. - Helena Nicole 11:36 AM Jan 29th

12 minutes old.

Number of girls he loves with all his heart: three.

Kaiser's motto: do not allow the new mother to walk anywhere.

Oh look! Our baby is here!

40w3d

FYI, babies don't read calendars.

This morning was just a standard prenatal appointment. I love my NP. Will definitely go back to her for all my appointments from now on. I want Kaiser to send me a feedback questionnaire just so I can tell them how fantastic she is.

I'll go back on Friday (which is when I'll be 41 weeks) to do a non stress test on the baby and ultrasound to check my amniotic fluid levels. Then a doctor will do an internal exam to see what's up with my cervix. Then depending on all this information we will discuss induction and probably set a date as they won't let me be pregnant past 42 weeks.

"Further bulletins as events warrant."

Hail

It hailed today. (See the solitary piece of hail in Superman's hand?) Being the true Californians we are we dashed outside in our bare feet and t-shirts (only true of Superman, but still) to stand under a stormy sky (with patches of blue in the distance) and be pelted with little bits of ice. Of course it melted pretty much as soon as it hit the ground. As far as I know it was K's first experience with hail and after it died down and turned into rain she continued to watch at the window and ask for, "more ice?" The next few days are supposed to be sunny. At last. We've had to endure, what, five whole days of clouds and rain?! I mean, I know it's January and all, but still. Five days is a lot to go (mostly) without sun and with lows in the mid-thirties. (OK sorry. I'm stopping.)

I continue to be a rabid fan of Freecycle. Yesterday we became the proud owners of a lovely Hoover carpet steam cleaner. Today we became the proud owners of CLEAN carpet. Or, a lot LOT cleaner than it used to be. Oh my word. I did take pictures but am too embarrassed to post them here because you might stop visiting me if you knew how awfully dirty the carpets were. Especially in the mudroom which is the only carpeted room our dogs are allowed in and also where the cats spend a good portion of time. Let me just say - EW. EEEEEEEEEW! I'm re-thinking my plan to re-carpet the whole house. Carpet is disgusting. Even though I vacuumed the mudroom mostly once a week it was still terrible! Terrible! Can I convince you of the terribleness without showing you a picture?!? No? Well be convinced because I am not sharing pictures.

In other news... I'm growing tired of feeling my belly rest on the tops of my thighs every time I sit down. Some have suggested the baby has dropped but I am fairly certain it's merely gravity taking its toll on my ridiculous torpedo tummy. I really hope they do an internal exam tomorrow and see if I'm at all dilated. I'm not putting the least bit of energy into believing I am, but it would be nice to know one way or the other. My super husband let me take a nap for a couple of hours this afternoon and I dreamed that H was born with a Jay Leno chin. Let's hope not. She'll have enough to work on with the nose and ears she's bound to inherit.

Also, I SO could have potty trained K by now. It's getting irritating. I'm standing by my decision to wait until after we adjust to H but sheesh! It's tempting. Maybe I should start the potty training and that will ensure H will arrive promptly. Someone at church had the good idea to use the baby sister as encouragement for K to use the toilet, because babies wear diapers and she's a big girl. I could bring H in to "watch" and have her be all impressed (as a newborn gets) at how cool her big sister is. I think that sounds like a good plan. They say to expect some regression too, as a little sibling comes home and the big one feels displaced or suddenly in second place. We'll have to play it by ear and see what feels right for our situation. It would be nice to have to deal with only one diapered child though... =)

"Hurry up, H. See what I have to deal with? It's your turn now."

Due date

Today (or tomorrow, whatever) is H's due date. Here's what happened on K's due date.

I think the general consensus among my children is that my uterus is really comfortable. Or maybe they're just like me and would rather not come out into the cold unless absolutely necessary.

My next prenatal appointment is Monday morning. I'm not sure what Kaiser generally does with women who pass their due date; I might be asked/encouraged to schedule an induction (which I will do for the absolute latest day they'll allow) or maybe they'll take a wait and see approach for another week. I haven't had any internal exams yet so I have no idea if my cervix is at all interested in letting a baby through this time. Last time it had to be convinced with drugs. This time I'm hoping it'll see the futility in refusing to let the baby out and be more cooperative. Either way I was proud of (and thankful for) the relative speed at which it did efface and dilate last time once it got going and I hope this time will be even faster (but not TOO fast, please!)

My vision has been completely normal which is good because I hope NOT to repeat that part of my labor story again. I've been suddenly dizzy a few times over the past couple of days which, though startling (and new to me), is to be expected in pregnant people.

There. All you people who have been obsessively checking my blog (I see the stats!) are up to date. I plan to twitter my labor progress as much as I can until we actually get to the hospital at which point cell phones aren't allowed. After that, please watch my brother's twitter feed (farmertim - handily provided for you on the sidebar to your right) for further updates and news of the birth and details, etc..

Now might be a good time for all you people to weigh in with your predictions on how much you think she'll weigh, how long she'll be, date and time of birth, etc., etc.. It'll give you something to do other than hit refresh.

Pregnancy survey

I've been doing a lot of surveys recently. If there's anything you'd like me to blog about just say the word... and yes, I *would* like to write about going into labor and having this baby. But that's out of my control for the time being. =)

About the Mommy:
Name: beck
Age: 26
First child?: No. Second pregnancy, second child.

About the Daddy:
Name: Superman
Age: 28
First child?: No. He already has an adorable daughter from a younger (and less-prepared, less-experienced) wife.

Finding out:
What day did you find out?: Ha! That's a very good question. And I give my mother a hard time for not remembering how she potty trained us... Oh! I suspected (and pretty much knew) I was pregnant right before I left for these people's wedding. But I waited to take the test until I got back so Superman could find out with me. I told him of my suspicion before I left and we decided to give it time and take the test when I returned.
How did you feel when you found out?: Nervous. Excited. Appalled (but not really surprised) at my uber-fertility.
Who was with you?: Um, no one. Just me and my pee, thanks.
Who was the first person you told?: My husband of course.
How did they react?: Very happily. =)
How did the daddy react?: Very, very happily.

Telling the grandparents:
How did your parents react?: My mother carefully read the "I'm the big sister!" shirt on her only granddaughter and then didn't say anything because she wasn't sure if the shirt was supposed to mean anything (we said nothing.) Of COURSE the shirt meant something! I wouldn't do that if I wasn't serious! Then later she asked if the shirt was a message and I said, "YES." Then they both said something along the lines of, "wow, congratulations!"
How did his parents react?: General joy and hugs and congratulations all around.
Are they helping with baby names?: Nope. No one picks our baby's names except me and Superman. And we have a hard enough time as it is.
Have they bought anything for the baby yet?: I don't think so? Maybe? I don't remember.
How often do they call to check on you?: Every so often. Or we see them.

About the pregnancy:
When was your first appointment?: I don't know. June?
When is your due date?: IN FOUR DAYS
How far along are you?: 39 weeks
Pre-pregnancy weight?: 120
Weight now?: 160
Have you had an ultrasound?: Three, I think. No. Four.
Have you heard the heartbeat?: Many times
What was the heartbeat?: It's varied. Healthy range. Once the baby kicked the wand. That was funny.

Sex of the baby:
What do you want?: Whatever we get! Boy would have been nice, but girl means they can share rooms for longer and we have more time to fix up and move out of this house!
What does the daddy want?: Whatever we get!
What do you think you are having?: I really thought it was a boy this time, as did others. We were all a little shocked to be wrong.
Have you had your big ultrasound yet?: Yes.
If so, what are you having?: Not a boy. The other kind.
Are you happy with what you're having?: Absolutely.

About the birth:
Do you know what you are taking with you?: Clothes, camera, car seat. Peace of mind (please.) Not much else.
Who is going to be with you?: Hopefully a healthy husband and labor coach Peggy.
Are you going to videotape it?: Absolutely not. I have no desire to videotape it, my husband has no desire to videotape it and I can't imagine my child would want to watch such a videotape. No one else gets a say in the matter.
Natural or medicated?: Natural unless there's a need or reason for medicated.
Do you think you will need a c-section?: Not as far as I know, but every labor is different.
Will you cry with you hold your baby for the first time?: Last time I was too exhausted. Definitely on an emotional high, but not the kind that involved crying. This time, I don't know. I tear up *thinking* about it, especially when we introduce K to her sister for the first time, but who knows what will transpire when the moment is actually there. I'm usually distracted by something incredibly mundane whenever I'm supposed to be soaking up a once-in-a-lifetime moment.
Do you know what you will say to the baby when you first hold him/her?: Probably something like, "Hi! Hello! Hi little baby! It's ok... shhhh... hey look! It's you're daddy! And I'm your mommy. I'm the one you've been hearing all this time. OK now smile for the camera!"
Are you scared about the labor?: Not scared. Not jumping up and down in anticipation either... Hoping it'll be shorter than the last one and praying I'll go into labor without any assistance from drugs.

Names:
Do you have a name picked out?: Yes. And it took us a long time.
Girl names: She has one (two, actually.)
Boy names: We have THREE ready to go for whenever we have a son.
Is your baby going to be named after someone?: No, though she does share the first name of a fellow blogger's daughter.

Other random questions:
Where was your baby conceived?: And you think I would share this even if I did know? Inconceivable!
Have you felt the baby move?: Have I! Anyone who wants to can feel the baby move.
What race will your baby have? Eh, 5k. No, marathon. No, 100 meter. No, I think 5k.
Do you have stretch marks?: Do I ever. Pretty much wherever you see my stomach stick out, I have stretch marks. My abdomen is one, huge, giant stretch mark. And don't get me started on the veins of Halloween-costume-worthy proportions.
What was your first symptom?: Exhaustion. But, having a (sick) one-year-old can do that to you too, so I wasn't sure.
What religion will the baby know? I plan to teach her about several. And hopefully she'll have a meaningful relationship with God.
What music or interests do you want the baby to know?: Whatever music or interests she wants.
Will your baby have godparents?: No. What are godparents supposed to do, anyhow?
Who will the god mommy be?: N/A
Who will the god daddy be?: N/A
What is the baby's room theme?: Why thank you so much for asking! Old carpet, unfinished drywall and old sheets for curtains. Seriously.
What was the first thing you bought for the baby?: I have not purchased a single item for this baby. I'll probably buy a manual breast pump soon though. Electric pumps and I didn't get along so well last time.
Are you ready to be a mommy?: Ready? I already am!

38 weeks

I'm at the point in my pregnancy where I can easily guess people's thoughts as they try to look at me without making it seem like they're looking. I get sidelong glances that last a few more seconds longer than usual; they think they're being discreet but I notice. Here's what they're thinking:

Oh my, I wonder when she's due.
If her water breaks I'm so outta here.
Oh that poor girl, she must be so uncomfortable.
I bet she's ready to pop.
Wow that chick is pregnant.
Thank the good lord I'm done having babies.
What is she thinking having another baby so soon?

Note the crazed Tesla-cat in the background. I've recently put more catnip on that scratch board, much to his satisfaction. I didn't mean to wear a shirt that camouflaged so well against the chalkboard but you get the gist. I'm very pregnant. 38 weeks.

Today my chiropractor laughed at me, saying he'd never seen a woman who carried ALL her pregnancy right THERE, as if all I had done was stuff a basketball up my shirt and paraded around claiming to be pregnant. Then he adjusted me for sharp lower back pain most likely caused and aggravated by the non-basketball and her nearly-30-lb. big sister.

At the start of both pregnancies I smiled and thought about how wonderful it would be to carry twins. At the end of both pregnancies I've winced and thought about how impossible it would be for another baby to fit ANYwhere. Though I bet if I do have twins someday I'll deliver early - and that would be wonderful!

Full term

You know you've been pregnant for too long when you awake to find yourself trying to shove the cat off your stomach and it's actually the baby that's still inside you. Doh.

My pregnancy is now considered full term even though I won't be overdue for another three weeks. If H were born today her lungs are fully developed and ready to take on this oxygen-filled world on their own.

I should probably pack a hospital bag. And make an effort to shave my legs. Other than that I think we're ready.

K has been talking about the bassinet in Mommy and Daddy's room and the car seat. She points and says matter of factly, "beebee sissah" nodding to herself. She loves to point out babies whenever she sees them and if they look even remotely asleep she'll tell me, "shhhhh! beebee [sleeping]!" I'm encouraged by this love for all things baby but I know it'll be a rough transition to share her mommy. (It'll be rough on her mommy too!) Or maybe she'll have a harder time sharing her daddy. We frequently have group hugs and inevitably half-way through she'll pick her head up off Superman's shoulder while pushing me away and saying sternly, "Mommy, no! Mine!" and then return to hugging her daddy all by herself. When Superman and I do get the opportunity to hug and kiss sans K she runs and wedges herself between us, standing still and looking cute until we look down and act surprised. And then we scoop her up and cover her with kisses. A lot of K kissing goes on at our house.

My transfer to Kaiser's system has gone quite smoothly thus far which is awesome. I'm sad that I probably won't know whoever delivers me... but there was a chance of that happening at Sutter too. I'm slightly worried about the drive to the closest Kaiser hospital which is twice as long as I had to drive last time. Of course last time I wasn't even in labor yet when I made the drive. I hope my body decides to start labor on its own this time. The advice nurse thought I may be able to deliver in my hometown though I'll have to wait and see after the first visit with my NP before I know for sure. I was sad to have to leave all my doctors at Sutter, but I'm pretty sure we snagged some good ones at Kaiser too. I really think I'll like K's pediatrician and my NP was highly recommended by the advice nurse.

When H is born I'm planning on doing a complete name-change for everyone on my blog. Well, at least for the girls. I don't like calling K 'Kem' or 'K' and so I've thought of one name I'll use for H, but still am stuck on what to use for K. But I will use a real-sounding name. Leah made a good point a while back about real names (though not necessarily real-life names) making it easier on the reader. Posts flow more smoothly. I don't know if I'll rename myself and Superman though, otherwise my domain name probably wouldn't make sense. And I've always been beck. But maybe a change is fine? Oh I know! I can make a poll!

[polldaddy poll=1245577]

Retrospect

I've never been one for staying up late unless it's on some generic night when no one else is up and for some reason I either can't put down a book I'm reading or have spent hours on the internet doing whatever. But ask me to stay up for some super party and I'll feel tired thinking about it. This is why I am currently in bed at 10:30 with Superman and Tesla. The dogs are outside, though I wonder if I should bring them in. I don't expect fireworks or many loud explosions at midnight in our part of town, but Jackson gets anxious sometimes.

This past year has brought a much-anticipated and hoped for change in career for Superman and a pretty big career change for me too. Our first baby turned one year old and we became pregnant with our second baby. We've done essentially nothing new to the house which is understandable but also must change in 2009. We survived yet another set of seasons with nothing more than electric heaters and a single window AC unit to heat and cool the not-quite-all-the-way-insulated house. Tesla joined the family. Our baby learned to run and talk and climb out of her crib.

I try not to have resolutions for the whole year. Someone once told me they do monthly resolutions because it's more manageable and less to lose if you happen to fail. I like that.

I resolve to learn to use my DSLR camera more effectively in 2009. Because as it stands now my little brother knows more about it than I do after having read the very book I bought for myself to learn more about it. The nerve.

Yearning

I was watching part of a show in which a baby is born. It was all very fake and unrealistic, except for the baby's first loud wails. The sound of a newborn's cries pulled at my heart as it would for any 36-week pregnant woman.

But it wasn't until I felt the tears rolling down my face that I realized how very badly I want H to cry right away. Her big sister didn't and I will never, ever forget those tense minutes that seemed to last an eternity.

Gripe

The day has not gone well thus far. After sending an email to a dear friend, complimenting her on her wonderful ability to roll with whatever unexpected changes to her plans arise... I am having to deal with unexpected changes.

Today was the day I was supposed to do everything in preparation for Thanksgiving, starting with an oil change. The oil change took a good two hours, during which time I walked around with K and kept her entertained. Luckily (for my sanity and peace of mind) she's fairly easy to entertain. Unluckily (for my back and hips) she's fairly active. Our car was finally ready and we started home for a little-bit-later-than-usual lunch. She fell asleep in the car right about the time I noticed that the check engine light (as well as two other scary-looking lights) were lit up on the dash. ARGH.

Back at the dealership (we have lifetime free oil changes otherwise there's no way I'd get it done there) I explained the light problem with a heavy (still asleep!) toddler on my shoulder and expected it to take only a few minutes because they just forgot to reset them, right? Wrong. It took at least half an hour. Apparently the lights coming on were in no way related to the oil change and the car needs work done. Something about a new catalytic converter. We're covered under warranty until 80,000 miles which is fortunate because we're currently at 72K. We've only had the car three years! Fortunately it's not a problem that will prevent us from driving 500 miles tomorrow which is good because our only other vehicle likes to burn and/or leak large quantities of oil.

So. Now K is down for a late nap and I sat down to gripe about something else entirely.

Last week at Panera a lady asked me how far along I was. 30 weeks. "Wow, you're so tiny!" was her kind reply. Would people still say that if they knew how much weight I've gained? And that I still have two more months to go?!? Over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling very similarly to how I felt at full term with K. I brushed it off as ridiculous because I obviously couldn't be that big yet - I still have two more months! Then I weighed myself. I'm five pounds shy of what I gained with K. My body is not lying to me. I really am this big. It's not that I mind the actual pounds gained - I know it'll all come right off again, leaving saggy skin and stretch marks behind - I just mind having to CARRY said extra weight. My legs and back are in a constant state of complaint and it's all I can do to keep from being in a constant state of complaint myself.

I'm at the point with K where I'm working on first time obedience. (We still have a long way to go. Her attention span leaves much to be desired.) I want her to understand that when I say something (and she hears it) I expect her to respond. I am not going to play the counting game, or teach her that I'm only *really* serious after raising my voice or threatening. This means that if I tell her not to touch something from across the room and she does not obey, I need to get up right away and go over to her to enforce what I just said. This scenario happens frequently and it would be SOOOO much easier to holler at her from the couch and wait to intervene until she's *really* in trouble... but I've already seen the results of being consistent and it gives me hope. She is learning that I mean business and that if she chooses not to listen to me then I will make her comply right then. She's choosing to listen much more often! But this takes its toll on my back and legs.

Usually by the end of the day I'm physically exhausted yet my mind is still urging me to get things done as if I didn't weigh 23% more than I did before I was pregnant. By now it's probably 25%. One day I found myself wishing for one of those empathy bellies that men can wear to supposedly discover (in a very very very very very small way) what it's like to be pregnant. If only Superman could live a day (okay, week) in my shoes! I decided to do the next best thing - calculate how much additional weight he'd have to carry around if his body gained like mine while pregnant. This pregnancy has added 23% more weight (so far) to my pre-pregnant body. If Superman were to gain weight in the same way he'd have to put 50 pounds of bowling ball in front (since that's pretty much were I'm carrying it all.)

I find all this hugely validating. It's no WONDER I'm slow and uncomfortable. 25% extra weight! That's a lot! Being pregnant is hard! I'm gaining more than most women because I started out underweight (which is normal for me) and I want my baby to be a healthy weight, but still! I've gained almost forty pounds, still have two more months (during which the baby starts to pack on pounds) AND there are two food-laden holidays between now and my due date. THAT is what I wanted to gripe about. Gripe! Gripe gripe gripe!

And yet despite all this I'm so glad that by all accounts we're expected to have a healthy little girl. It's worth it. It's worth all this miserableness and so much more. I so look forward to seeing her face and hearing her voice. To nursing and rocking and finding out what kind of person she is. To seeing her big sister and daddy fall even more deeply in love with her and to calling her my very own. But I would appreciate it if she'd arrive earlier than later... are you listening, little baby????

Happy hour!

There's nothing like nearly burning down your kitchen to get your adrenaline pumping. I went from preparing dinner while feeling very slow and hugely pregnant to dashing around with scalding pots and pans while keeping a toddler away from the open hot oven door! Yikes.

It all started a few days ago when I was getting ready to host a backyard play date at our house. Given that the playing would all be happening in the backyard I suppose I could have relaxed a little on cleaning the house but whatever. You know how that goes. As it was dirty dishes were STILL stacked on the counter despite my attempts at a short-cut. There were just that many. I don't think a single one of the other moms cared. It's almost as if they came over to see ME and NOT my kitchen! Huh! Interesting thought. I'll make sure to ponder that as soon as my dishes are done.

Here's how I attempted to look more put together than I was: I stashed several dirty pots and pans in the oven. And by "several" I mean "as many as would fit." I had never done that before, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As I was doing it I had the sense to opt for the oven-safe pans as a precautionary measure. Even though I fully intended to address the dirty dishes problem before I next used the oven, you never know what could happen.

And happen it did. Out of sight, out of mind! Tonight as I prepared macaroni and cheese from scratch (with "help" from a 1.5 year old who wanted to "Watsh? Mommy? Watsch?" and by "watsh" she means "wave measuring spoons around and plunge them into or at any available ingredient at the least helpful time") I wondered what was taking the oven so long to preheat. I didn't realize it until I opened the door to insert my macaroni and cheese. Cue dashing around with piping hot pans while bellowing "sit down on your bottom and STAY THERE" to the helpful toddler wanting to join in on the excitement.

I'm happy to say that I only lost one lid (and fortunately it was the kind of plastic that did NOT melt into an impossible-to-clean-up puddle) and we are just about ready to sit down and enjoy the macaroni and cheese. Which turned out fantastically even with my additions of sliced tomatoes and bread crumbs on top and bacon bits through out.

Rock

We swiped an old rocking chair from my parents' house this past weekend, with their consent of course. It's not really 'old' in the falling apart sense, just 'old' in the sense that I can't remember NOT having that rocking chair at my parents house. We wrangled it (and our two large dogs, and the toddler and all our stuff from the past three days) into the minivan and off we went.

K and I tried it out for the first time last night. She has a cold (she usually gets one after going to church childcare after not having been for several months) and so sleeping has been pretty uncomfortable for her. I heard her fussing and calling for me so I went in for some mother/daughter/snot bonding time. The second I picked her up she pointed to the chair and said, "Mommy, rawh?"

So we rocked. K was happy. I was happy. My back was happy. H was happy.

Thanks for the rocking chair, Mom and Dad!

Standing

I am in desperate need of a rocking chair. Preferably wooden, nice and solid construction (read: toddler unable to tip over or kill herself on it) with a high back. K woke up crying with a hurting tummy (as determined by the copious amounts of gas that soon followed - TMI? Sorry. Kids will do that to you.) and so I stood by the crib with her in my arms for a while, rocking and rubbing her back.

Me (realizing that several minutes of semi-resting a toddler on my protruding tummy did nothing to reduce my need to, uh, use the restroom): Are you ready to go back into your bed now?

K (gently running her hands through my hair, head on my shoulder, using small cute baby voice): no?

Me (taking advantage of a rare snuggly baby moment): Do you want to snuggle with Mommy for a little longer?

K (burrowing head deeper into my neck): uh-huh.

Me: Mommy loves you, K.

K: Mommy?

Me: Yes, baby.

K: *unintelligible baby talk which melts my heart*

This moment brought to you by... my very tired legs and even more ungainly midsection! And by... readers like you! Call the 1-800 number on your screen right now to donate towards a rocking chair so this station can continue to operate and provide you with the programs you love! Operators are standing by. (And they'd rather be rocking.)

Growth

I keep running into this problem with my body. Literally. Well, the problem is that I run into things and it hurts and I usually make a spectacle that results in innocent passersby trying not to gawk and snicker at the poor pregnant lady who lacks coordination.

We don't have a full-length mirror in our house. In fact, both mirrors are essentially from the chest up. I blame this fact for my inability to correctly gauge where my body is and isn't at any given time.

Because I can't see my ever-enlarging self on a regular basis my brain is still under the impression that I look something like this:

which is how I've looked for most of my non-pregnant life.

In reality I currently look like this:

Pardon the less-picturesque background. I'd much prefer Cesarea, Israel to my mudroom but such is life.

The other day I attempted to enter a building. (You see where this is going.) The door was heavy and cumbersome and so my plan was to pull it open just enough to slip through without having to muscle the thing all the way open. I was nearly through when the door (doing what doors do) closed. Which would have been fine if my right hip hadn't been in the way. I yelped in pain and tried to make it look like it wasn't a big deal and I meant for it to do that. I don't think my act was very convincing. The worst part of it was I had to share an elevator with the two hapless bystanders who watched the whole thing transpire. I didn't trust myself to look them in the eyes without laughing out loud and so I averted my gaze and tried to look normal while I mentally ROFLOLed. Really. You should have been there. It was hilarious.

I give up.

This is going to be a mommy blog. I can't fight it. I'll still try and talk about things pertaining to life outside of babies and toddlers and pregnancy but my life happens to be consumed by the above right now. So, sorry, that's what you get. I know a lot of you are thinking so what, big deal, I LOVE reading about babies and toddlers and pregnancy; what on earth is she resisting it for?!? I know. Me too. In fact, most of the blogs I subscribe to are written by moms about their families.

I suppose I just resent my life being so enormously one-sided at the moment. Maybe resent isn't quite the word - I absolutely love being home with my daughter and soon-to-be-newborn (five more months) and there's nothing I'd rather do. But I still enjoy other things too! I'm a wife! I'm an aspiring photographer! I love animals and dogs especially! I love to go camping and especially if there's a good book I can read while sitting in (or under) a tree! I'll try to reflect my other interests on this blog as much as I can but for now, I surrender, babies it is.

Even though I couldn't really write much about my job when I was working, it still allowed me to get out of the house and interact with adults on an adult level. I could have told lots of stories about work and the people there and even though I didn't, I still felt like a more well-rounded person, and therefore able to blog more frequently.

As most of you have probably already read via Twitter, we're expecting another girl (due January 23.) And no, I'm sorry, I am not allowed to share the names which are currently in the running. We like two names very much (which are both first names); he likes one a little more than I do and I like the other one more a little more than he does. Of course. I say since he came up with Kem's first name (which initially I wasn't that crazy about) I should get to pick this one. I think we'll share the name once we have it, but not until then so hold your horses people.

After the ultrasound this morning Superman and I dropped by Sunglass Hut and got him a sweet pair of Oakleys for his birthday which is tomorrow. It's important to me that his sunglasses be an all-plastic frame in case something (or someone) hits him in the face at work.

Kem's cold has moved into her chest (she was up a lot of last night coughing) and even though the river of snot has decreased somewhat she's still pretty congested. She had less than an hour nap today and so by the time bedtime rolled around she was overtired and not at all willing to be in bed OR in Mommy's arms OR anything except some activity that is not allowed just before bedtime. It was rough but she's finally asleep and hopefully will stay that way for a while.

She gave her cold to me. I don't have it as bad (yet) but still feel like I have a couple of bricks in my sinuses, especially at night. It wasn't that hot today (only mid-nineties) but I'm already wilting at the thought of the next few days which are supposed to be up around 105. Ugh. Today I didn't do much of anything except wipe a snotty nose and go food shopping. I plan to make Mexican Lasagna for Superman's birthday tomorrow. It sounds delicious.

Emerging

Hey! Look at that, I'm not so tired anymore. Just in time for the energy-sucking heatwave. Nice.

For a while there I would drag out of bed between 6 and 7 am to retrieve my wide-awake and cheerful baby and lie back down in my bed with her, hoping against hope she would suddenly realize that snuggling calmly and quietly with mommy is the coolest thing ever. She has yet to realize that even once. Instead of conforming to my wishes she would inevitably put her face mere centimeters away from my own, pry open my eyelids with her baby index fingers and gaze into my squinting, resentful eyes while exclaiming, "HELLLOOOOOOOO!!??!!" As in, get up, Mom! I'm ready to go, Mom! Look at the kitty, Mom! Can we have breakfast now, Mom? Then she would run laps around the mattress using me as a speed bump. Uuuuurrrgh.

So I don't have a job anymore. This week, I'm kind of depressed about it. It was a fantastic place to work; I loved the job and the people. It's hard to move on to the mundane chores of SAHMdom but I'm gladly doing it. I know that part of the problem is my need for other people to notice what a fabulous job I'm doing. Toddlers generally don't thank you for saving them from crawling into the dishwasher or providing them with balanced, nutritional meals even though they think eating nothing but green beans is a far better plan. I know my husband completely supports me and is thankful for my doing this but it's just not the same as glowing annual performance reviews and raises. Time for me to practice the whole "a job well done is all the reward you need" philosophy. Except when will I be able to say my job is done? Not for another 17 years? That's a long time. The little rewards along the way will have to keep me going. Like this video.

The other baby is doing well as far as I know. I felt Kem moving around for sure by the time I was this far along with her. Kem's movements were more determined and obvious. This baby is sneaky. I've felt it move a couple of weeks ago but if I'm not paying attention I won't notice. Kem demanded attention with her movements. This kid likes to slip, slide and roll. No out-and-out punches or kicks. Devious, this one. Already likes to be out of mom's radar. We've decided on a boys name but we've got absolutely NOTHING if it's a girl. We'll find out which it is on the 26th (if the baby decides to cooperate.)

I can't believe how late the Olympics go. All I want to see is women's gymnastics. And I'm supposed to wait until after 10 pm to do this?!? *yawn*

What's in a name?

These are two necessary websites for expecting parents and/or anyone who likes to think up cool-sounding name combinations:

Popular baby names - direct from the Social Security Administration and complete with searchable databases in just about every way you can think of.

Behind the name - the etymology and history of first names in order to prevent you from naming your child something with a hideous meaning.

One baby - check

I had my first OB appointment today in which I filled out paperwork, peed in a cup, had four (four!) vials of blood extracted from my unwilling left arm, discussed my past pregnancy and delivery, saw the embryo's flickering little heartbeat and it measured at 8 weeks and 6 days. The funny thing is that my uterus measured bigger than it should be for just one 8w 6d baby. The NP (LOVE her; had her last time; she is plain awesome) searched around rather half-heartedly (in my opinion), declared though my bladder WAS full she didn't think that alone was making me bigger, declined my offer to pee and then come back for more searching and scheduled me for another ultrasound in a few weeks. Discuss amongst yourselves. I've googled all kinds of phrases in the hopes of a more difinitive answer but alas, each pregnancy is different for each person. This I do know: last time I measured right on track the whole way through. I also can't remember being this big (my tummy does stick out a little) this early last time, though I suppose I should look at past pictures to verify. Also, this is my second pregnancy so I'd expect to start to show earlier... but would that cause the NP to schedule another ultrasound? GAH. Did I mention Superman is praying for twins? Did I mention that I take full responsibility for the existance of my own baby sister due to my own fervant prayers? I certainly wouldn't mind twins. Not at all! I just think it's funny that the men in my husband's family have married women who happen to ovulate twice. I very much doubt I've inherited any sort of genetic predisposition to twins.

We'll see what happens.

Flying along

I took two naps today and I'm enjoying a nearly full-strength burst of energy. Astoundingly, the baby took two naps as well.

She has figured out how to climb out of her pack and play, much to the dismay of our childcare provider. Her actual crib rails aren't that much taller. I am quaking in my proverbial boots. No one prepared me for the CLIMBING!

Once it cools down a few more degrees (it's 93 at 8:30 pm) I am going to turn the oven on for an hour (crazy, I know) and make banana bread. I'm telling you, I have energy! Maybe it's because I can almost taste the freedom of being a stay at home mom, something I've wanted ever since I gave birth. I'm fortunate to be able to work part time for the past year but especially with this baby on the way there's nothing I want more than to stay at home and raise my kids myself. I'm also fortunate to be able to do that. *crosses fingers that it works*

Even though I know it's the right thing for me to do it certainly doesn't come without some conflicted feelings. I love my paycheck job. I can see myself staying long and going far with the company if I didn't have kids. It's been difficult to watch as people who were hired after me have surpassed me and even flown to headquarters to become trainers (something I know was available to me if I had returned full time.) I am not the woman who lived and dreamed of having babies and staying at home. That wasn't me growing up and it's taken time to adjust. I'm not going to lie and say it's easy. The decision was easy but going through with it is tough.

It is a sacrifice, yes, but it's well worth it. Well WELL worth it. I do not regret my decision in the slightest. Part of me feels like complaining, knowing the sheer amount of back-breaking, mind-numbing WORK it will be (and often unrecognized, unthanked) to be a stay at home mom but the rewards will be worth it. I'll be indelibly imprinted into the earliest memories my children have (hopefully in a good way!) My paycheck will come in the form of sloppy kisses in the morning, snuggles in the afternoon and bathtime at night. I'll also be paid in unspeakable messes (planned or not), blanket forts, potty-training and days that leave me wanting to scream while simultaneously pulling out my hair. But I'll be there for every minute of it and I hope I can remember to enjoy it as it goes, however it goes.

Because I hear it goes quickly.