Might listen

K took Sputnik to school to share with her class of 9 fifth graders. Sputnik is the larger of our two cats but his meow is precious: high pitched and tiny, as you'd expect from a newborn kitten. He missed his sister and wasn't sure what to think of the car ride in a crate by himself. He let us all know how he felt by his dramatic vocalizations.

K responded quickly and gently, "I hear you, little kitty. I'm listening with all of my might."

May more of us respond this way to the people we encounter every day.

Loss

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." - Roger Caras

My sister's dog, Shadow, died unexpectedly last night. She wasn't really herself most of the afternoon, just laying down and not caring about everything she usually cares about. My sister got home from work and Shadow passed away about fifteen minutes later. That fact alone is enough to get me teary-eyed. She waited to die until she could say goodbye to my sister and until she could be with her.

She wasn't young (almost 11) but she wasn't sick (that we knew of) either, so this was quite sudden and quite a shock.

R.I.P. Sweet Shadow-dog. I'll miss your endless, bouncing, cheerful optimism.

BadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBader

My cousin keeps a few rosy boas as pets. Every time we visit, the girls ask to see/touch/hold them. Today when he took one of the smaller ones out of its cage Elaine's response was, "awwwwwww!" in the same tone she uses for babies. This makes me unreasonably happy.

Untitled

I have GOT to get back into a regular routine. One that involves going to bed at 10 so that I can be coherent enough to parent at 6 or 7 am when my beloved children arise.

But... going to bed is so boring, especially when you've gone to bed past midnight for the last several nights. I'm not even sleepy right now! Why go to bed if I'm not tired?

---

I am liking apartment life so far. Elaine locked the bathroom door and then closed it (no one was in the bathroom) and as we live on the 3rd story, there's no popping the screen off the window and going in that way. I hunted briefly for a key, then Superman called the maitenence crew for help. A man arrived, and 30 seconds later had the door open, using the key that was right on top of the door trim. How embarrassing. I could have SWORN I checked there. Ah well, nice to have my hair color for an excuse.

---

One thing I have not liked so much about apartment life is the lack of dogs. As in, we don't have one any more. Especially with Superman working nights, it was really nice to have a couple of friendly, tail-thumping, living, breathing animals for company. I realize that Tesla is living and breathing but nothing will ever be the same as the comfortable atmosphere a dog sprawled out on the floor brings.

I miss my dogs. A lot.

---

Since we moved in we've had VERY few days of sun. It's been quite rainy and cold and we're all going a little bit crazy as a result of being inside for so long. This week is forecasted to be sunny and I ciouldn't be happier. I need me some sun.

Dog theology

What're you looking at, Mommy?

I was just trying to see what Tesla was watching in the backyard.

I think she is looking for dogs.

Oh really? I think she saw a squirrel.

We don't have any dogs. One died and one went to live at someone else's house.

Yeah.

Does that make you sad?

Yes, I'm sad.

You are sad Jackson died?

Yes, I'm very sad. I miss him. I wish he didn't die.

Do everyone that falls out of trucks dies?

No, not everyone that falls out of a truck dies, but Jackson was hurt so much that he didn't get better and then he died.

Oh. But he has a new friend to play with, named... GOD!

Really?

Yes! And that can make him happy!

(She came up with this all on her own. We haven't even talked about death and people and heaven all that much, let alone DOGS.)

Oh my dog.

My brain is so full of things I probably either shouldn't write about here, or at the very least aren't ready for me to write about here.

But I still feel like my blog has gone far too long without a substantial post.

---

Very suddenly and unexpectedly, we are without dogs. TBird went to go live at my uncle's house, where he may possibly father some baby TBirds. That was planned. We had to put Jackson down due to injuries that followed him abandoning the back of a pick-up truck after his collar loosened and then broke. That was unplanned.

I was able to grieve here and there as we drove to Washington to drop off TBird, but coming back home to an empty backyard (however full of dog hair and poop it may be) was horrible. I miss my dogs. TBird was a good boy and I loved him but Jackson was mine and has been only mine since the beginning. He knew me and I knew him and I so desparately did not want it to end like it already has.

He and I had a special bond. I know that if I had just a little more time to give him on a regular basis, he would have done almost anything I asked. He was already super loyal, even though he had gotten to stop trusting me about what deserved to be barked at or not. In his late puppyhood he once stopped mid-rabbit-chase, seconds after the initial BURST, just because I shouted his name (rather desparately, because I fully expected him to ignore me and continue tearing up the hill.) That incident still shocks me.

In the months after Elaine's birth (or was it before?) his anxiety shot through the ROOF and because I was so blind to my own anxiety it irritated the heck out of me, instead of making me stop and look at the vibes he was so obviously picking up. That dog. He didn't want me to be out of his sight. He always wanted to be in. This pissed me off, because I had a newborn and toddler after all and couldn't be catering to the whims of some nutcase dog. I put him out. He paced and circled the yard, whining constantly and urgently and chewed the gate in the side yard until his gums bled. I let him in. He immediately went to lie down in some out of the way place, always with an ear on me and usually his eyes, too. His crazy anxious behaviour stopped as soon as he was in my vicinity. I just didn't GET it. The cycle of him being in and then out and then in again repeated until I was SOOOOOO upset with him I sent him to my parents, where he appeared to be just fine.

Many months and a few medications (for me, not him!) later, he came to live with us where we are now. Never had a problem since. Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that the time frame of the severity of his anxiety mirrored my own and I was utterly stunned. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am for not understanding.

Yes, he was a little crazy, but who could blame him, given what little we know (not much) of his puppyhood prior to living with me? He did the best he could. He was a smart, SMART dog. He liked to lie down with his back all twisted until you couldn't guess which of his front legs was missing. He had a sense of humor. He was vocal. He loved to chase the lawnmower and threatened to chew its wheels off. He was ever suspicious and reserved, unless you had proven yourself to be trustworthy and then he was just a goofy, relaxed, loving dog, eager for you to throw something, or even better, play tug of war.

My Jackson dog. Oh how I wish it didn't end like this. I told him that, over and over again, whispered into his ears as he slipped away. I cradled his head in my arms and told him how I loved him and what a good dog he was. I thanked him for loving me like he did.

I'll never forget you, pup. Rest in peace.

See the full gallery on Posterous

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
- Roger Caras

Age and jays

Today I got my eyebrows waxed for what I think was the third time in my life. I'm pleased with the results. I'm pretty sure I'll go back and start doing this regularly. This whole getting pretty thing is quite the undertaking!

---

I don't know how it is for you, but sometimes I don't age with my body. The age I feel I am inside doesn't match my physical age. For example, for a long time I felt like I was only 23, just with a couple of toddlers I had to take care of. Even being called "mommy" took some getting used to. It still blows my mind that the giant three year old who lives in our house is my daughter.

Recently, though, I've been feeling more my age; I'll be 28 next month. I don't feel helpless or overwhelmed or want to call my mommy with every turn of events (though I do still call her a lot!); I feel like a fairly competent 27 year old. I haven't experienced a whole heck of a lot in comparison to my peers (the list of things I've never done is embarrassingly long, but I'm past caring about that - it's the way it is) but I have gone through some pretty "adult-ish" stuff and emerged a little older and wiser. Or, I’d like to think I have.

Lookit me! I'm finally feeling all growed up.

I'm getting a handle on marriage and settling in to being content more often than not with my marriage… and everything that comes with it - namely, a 6'3" 220 lb. man named Superman.

I'm discovering what my parenting style looks like and feeling less pressured by "them" to do it x, y or z way or else it's WRONG. Mothering isn't a responsibility I take lightly and there isn't any other person on this earth who knows my girls more completely than I do. That doesn't mean I won't listen to your insight or experience or suggestions - I'll probably just feel less threatened, afterward. =)

You know what else? Some times I actually LIKE myself. That negative dialog I'm so accustomed to playing in my head hasn't been all that negative recently. I've known all about grace for most of my life but only recently have I actually, truly accepted and experienced it. I'm happy with my strengths and try to be realistic with my limitations. Heck, the fact that I can TELL you what my limitations even are is huge.

---

Yesterday morning I noticed the dogs were very interested in something under our patio chairs. I went out to investigate and it turned out to be a teenager-ish blue jay who either couldn't fly yet or had a hurt leg or wing. I immediately put the dogs inside and stood back to watch as the parent jays swooped in to check on their offspring, chattering and whistling their concern and encouragement.

A few hours later I saw the parents were still hanging around in the lower branches of the lime tree so I went out to investigate. Sure enough the little baby bird was huddled down in one of our bushes. It looked strong and seemed to be able to get around just fine, just obviously couldn't fly. I took it water and bread soaked in a little milk and retreated inside. Val was particularly concerned. She assured the bird, “don’t worry baby birdie, those big dogs can’t get you. Don’t be scared. It’s OK.” That night, the bird was still there and the bread had hardly been touched, if at all.

This afternoon I took it some crushed mixed nuts and raisins soaked in water. The bird looks strong so if nothing else its parents are feeding it dog food that for some reason my dogs haven't been finishing. I've noticed the parents hopping down to help themselves to the dogs' food and water for the past few weeks and suspected they lived near by.

I think the parent birds are beginning to trust me. Whenever I go out the mama bird whistles low to me and I try to make reassuring noises back. I don't want to mess with them but I do want to help their little one if they'll let me or if they need it. Once I didn't see the baby (good little bird was hiding just like his mama told him to) until I was practically right on top of him, in the bush, and so he felt threatened and hopped out and squawked/flapped at me. I think he's healthy enough, just can't fly yet. So maybe we'll be lucky enough to watch him learn!

The dogs resent being banished to the side yard, but they'll have to deal with it. It looks like they didn't hurt the bird and I'm glad about that (Jackson especially likes birds.)

---

Edit: I just checked on the bird family this morning and it turns out there's two babies on the ground now. Did it fall too or did the parents just decide they might as well keep the family together? Either way, it's more dangerous now because the local squirrels (there are MANY) have noticed the babies. I've chased away two already and am keeping my kitchen window open so I can hear the parents' calls if they come back. I also picked up the food.

Also, I have no idea what kind of birds these are. They're blue with a white underside. No crest. Very slightly brown around the shoulders. Dark blue/black heads and eyes. They look more like a blue jay, which I think aren't supposed to live here, and even though Steller's jays are supposed to be native here I don't think that's what they are. I'm pretty sure they aren't a blue birds, either.

Ah HA. They're a family of California scrub jays. Duh. I should have known that.

Singled out

I've realized something. Even though Superman does sleep here during the days that he's working (either 3 or 4 consecutive nights of 12-hour shifts) he's really not present. I'm pretty much a single mom around the clock. No wonder I'm tired and I feel like it's really hard and it's hard not to feel like I do all the work and it's not fair, etc., etc.. I used to think about his days on as a mini-deployment of sorts, but it isn't really, because he's still around to consume food, create laundry and mess up the bathroom counter. In thinking about it even further... we really do only see him for just about an hour per 24-hour period each day he works. The other time he's either working or sleeping. This whole work/life balance thing is tricky.

I'm wondering if we should get rid of one of our dogs. A few nights ago a neighbor called the police because of our dogs barking at 10:20 pm. I was at my parents’ house for the night and Superman had forgotten to feed them before he left for work so it makes sense they'd be feeling neglected, poor pups. They can go in and out of our garage, we usually put them in the garage for the night, but Superman didn't because he's gone for so long. I wish this neighbor would just speak to us directly, because I get that our dogs can be loud and disturbing, and I'd like to apologize or at least give them our phone numbers so they can call us directly first. Ambulances tend to set the dogs off in particular, and we live near a few medical centers. ANYhow. Someone (I'm assuming this same neighbor) left a relatively civil, anonymous note in our mailbox re: the barking dogs a few months after we moved in. They threatened to call the police if it continued to be an issue. We've made every effort to keep the dogs quiet. This is an older, quieter neighborhood and I want to respect the people who have lived here for decades. But whoever it is who has complained hasn't made their identity known to us and I find that irritating and somewhat cowardly. Completely within their rights, but dude! We want to make it right! We're home all the time - come over and talk to us.

Anyhow. The barkingest dog is Jackson. He's a piece of work, that dog. I love him and I've worked hard at making him sociable, but it's increasingly difficult to do that and take care of my kids and other responsibilities. I was in collage when I got him and had enough time to give him what he needed and he responded so well. I was hoping I could make him into a well-adjusted dog, but I didn't quite get there before I started having kids. Our bond has slipped over the years. Since he wasn't well-socialized as a pup AND he lost one of his legs before he was two, it's been tough to convince him that people in general are OK. (His parents were wild/roaming dogs in a rural area - I got him when my aunt caught him and his brother after his mom was teaching them how to harass my aunt's sheep.) He's not an aggressive dog, just insecure and fearful sometimes, which shows itself as lots of suspicious barking. He always barks at SOMEthing. He's not a mindless, endless, boredom barker. He just barks at things that do not necessarily necessitate barking at. I don't need to know every time someone walks past the house. If I were my neighbor I'd probably complain too.

All of this to say that, if I could find the right family to take Jackson, I would gladly send him off. He would be happiest with another dog (he relates and bonds to other dogs way better than most people, understandably) and on a large property on which he could tire himself out and then be too busy sleeping to bother with barking at every passing person. He's a German/Australian Shepherd mix, which makes him smart with a bit of energy, too. It's too bad he has just three legs because what he really needs is to be run every day, but the lack of leg makes that tough on him. Not that he won't try and do it anyhow, and he can, for a time, but not long enough to really tire him out. I can barely get him out for walks as it is.

Plus, we'll probably have to get rid of one or maybe both dogs the next time we move and since I know Jackson would be much harder to place than Tbird, it would make sense to start looking sooner, right? *sigh*

I just don't know what the most responsible thing to do is. I know that he'd be taken care of at a German Shepherd rescue place, but would they accept that? It's not like I'm in dire straights and can no longer afford him. I feel like a bad owner, I don't want to just dump him off to be someone else's problem, but I really know he would probably be happier in a different place, and not a problem at all - if that place could be found. I guess I could call and see what they say. I don't mind keeping him until they find a place for him. My neighbors might mind though. =)

I'm trying to stay awake until midnight, when I can tweet something Eastery. I have an hour to come up with something.

Or less. I'm falling asleep. I did go to an Easter service this afternoon, so in that sense I've already celebrated and thus Lent is over for me. Right?

Of course right. I'm tired.

 



Projecting, much?

Tesla strolled into the middle of the family room and looked around a few times before mewing pitifully.

"What, cat? What's the problem?" I asked conversationally.

"Maybe she misses her Daddy," Val offered.

---

In related news, Elaine has started noticing and becoming very excited whenever her "Da-DEEEE!" is present. As soon as she hears the door open she drops whatever she's doing and starts toddling towards Superman at full speed while shouting, "da-DEEE! DA-DEEE! DAAAAA-DEEEEEE!"

Now if only I can get her to shout for her Daddy when she wakes up at night... =)

Bathroom break

I'm a night person. I just can't help it. I don't know how effectively I'll be able to influence my kids in that direction. So far there's not much hope as they are both awake between 6 and 7 like clockwork, no matter how late they go to bed the night before.

I don't know how much longer I can burn the candle at both ends. It's my pattern to do it for as long as I can stand it and then crash. I want to get out of that pattern.

---

Today I stood in line with Tbird waiting for his rabies vaccination. The line was easily 20-30 people long when I got there and continued to grow. It never ceases to amaze me how many people bring their pets for vaccinations. They have these clinics every week!

The team was late and so while we waited (over an hour!) for our turn I chatted with my fellow line-occupants. Tbird was the huge big loveable lug-head he is and didn't even eat a little dog who got snippy with him for being too close to her owner. I think it amused him.

I was NOT amused when he decided to pee against an outdoor pot (we were waiting outside) for, like, an hour and a half. I had NO IDEA he had to pee so badly. Gigantic puddle. I wanted to disappear. It's not like I could stop him, either, poor dog. He had to go. So he kept going and going and going. The bladder of a 110-pound dog is really big, fyi. The friends I had just made were very kind about it (when a dog's gotta go, he's gotta go) but I was mortified. It pooled on the cement and people had to step around it and try and keep their dogs' feet out of it. SO EMBARRASSING.

From now on my dogs will be taken on a long walk to see the parking lot bushes before we get in line.

Nap time

I think everyone in the house was asleep. Except for me.

But taking pictures is almost as fun as sleeping.

Of talking cats and sleeping flashlights

Val has been fairly restrained in her treatment of the cats thus far. Lately she's been trying to pick them up in inappropriate ways and so I've been policing her more heavily in that regard. She's not allowed to pick up the cats until she can prove to me that she can consistently do it correctly and only when it's OK with the cat.

I'm teaching her that animals can communicate with sounds and actions and so sometimes I ask her what the cats are saying. It's pretty funny to hear her interpretation of the cats when they're growling and complaining at each other - she's usually right on!

This morning I heard Tesla protest so I dropped what I was doing and quickly went to see what was going on. I asked Val what Tesla had said and she responded, "Tesla said, 'Meow! Put me down! Meow! Put me down!'"

"Oh, so you picked Tesla up?" I love that a cat can tell on a kid, by the kid's own interpretation.

"Yeah."

So I had her apologize to Tesla and pet her gently.

-----

"Mommy!"

Yes, Val?

"Have to be quiet. My flashlight sleeping!"

Oh really? OK.

"My flashlight sleeping in the WATER!"

What?! Where?

"Come. I show you."

We went to the bathroom where I discovered her flashlight (turned on) wrapped in a hand towel "sleeping" inside the toilet bowl.

 

Addendum

It's all you people who know me in real life that make me quiet on here. Avert your eyes. Maybe I'll be more comfortable. I've been going through a lot of spiritual stuff lately. Mostly good. But it's kind of personal to talk about on here. I haven't really used this blog as a platform for that, and I don't really want to mix it in with my usual blog material. Maybe I should open up another part of the page for that type of stuff. There's an idea!

Today I took lots of pictures of my engaged brother and his fiance (what shall your blog name be, fiance of my engaged brother? Are we still doing Tuesday?) I've seen four of the photos and they look pretty good. If anything, today was a perfect reminder that I have NOT done what I've wanted to do since I've been in college - learn how to take pictures! It's kind of like music. I can "hear" in my head what I want the music I play to sound like and get frustrated when it doesn't match. I can also "see" in my head what I want a particular picture to look like but am largely unable to manipulate all the required settings (or my body, or both) to get the result I want. I hate settling for less than my goal but I realize that's an invaluable part of the process sometimes. Sure beats wallowing around down here kicking myself for not practicing (music or photography) more often.

It's really HOT for October. Got up to eighty-six degrees today.

My dogs are highly irritating. Especially the one that's stepped on my supremely swollen toe. Twice. The other one barks at nothing (well he always barks at SOMEthing) but he and I disagree on what constitutes a barkable scenario.

All the picture taking has motivated me to clean up my laptop in preparation to offload a veritable TON of photos onto the external hard drive so I can upload a veritable TON and a HALF of photos from waiting memory cards.

Here's a question - what system works best for you for photo organization and editing? How long do you keep your pictures accessible before banishing them to the external drive?

 

Queen Methylene

I bet you don't know of a single other cat that would be this relaxed UNDER the very active legs of a two and a half year old. Just another reason I love my Methylene.

 

Cherish

I want to remember this about Val. She knows who is in the room when she goes to sleep and will be almost frantic with concern if she wakes up and the person(s) is gone.

It seems to me that if she wakes up briefly, even just to turn over, she will check and see if the room still has the same people who were in it when she fell asleep. A few days ago she came out of her room crying, much earlier than usual, to ask me, "where'd my sister go, Mommy? Where's my sister?" Elaine had started out napping in the room with her but of course when she woke up I took her out.

Today Superman was on the computer just hanging out when she fell asleep. After she fell asleep he left to do something else. Not long after I heard her cries and found a sad little girl waiting at the door saying, "I can't find my Daddy! Mommy, where did Daddy go, Mommy?"

We generally don't stay in the room with her until she falls asleep but I think she's gotten accustomed to living at my parents' house on weekends. We're all in one room.

---

Took another load to the new house today. Stopped in to make sure the cats were still alive. They are, and I think they've begun to resign themselves to being abandoned by their humans on a weekly basis. Methyl hardly yelled at us at all. Tesla stalked around calmly instead of unleashing waves of kitten energy on anything that moved.

Only a dog

Val is sitting at the table eating her lunch. Shadow is begging as discreetly as possible, hoping she's sitting far enough away that I won't notice. Dogs are not ever fed from the table at my parents' house. They are fed turkey necks, giblets, meat scraps and all manner of other treats only in the backyard and usually only by my mother. Shadow starts inching closer, ears perked, body straining, eyes following every bite. Val realizes the threat to her lunch and says calmly, "No no, Shadow. My sandwhich. You eat dog food. Go away."

Copy cat

Just observed Val getting in Tesla's face, holding his chin and saying sternly, "LOOK AT ME. No no! Say sorry Tesla." Then, in a sing-song cat voice, "sorry Val." The stern voice returns, "Oh-tay. Love you," and she gave him a hug and kiss.

*sigh*

The poor cat.

One of those days

There are some days I really want to be my cat. Today, for example.

LOLcat captions are welcome. I'm too busy listening to myself think to come up with one.

Pet pics

I am an animal lover. Superman is an animal lover - thank goodness! I can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't share my love for animals. I think it's safe to say K is an animal lover. With two dogs and two cats and almost two kids... our house feels pretty crowded and hectic at times but there would be a big hole if any one of them were gone.

I know I say this a lot but I can't believe my good fortune in that none of our pets have rejected our babies. They are all patient and tolerant. When K was born I watched very, VERY closely until I was convinced they understood and realized she was here to stay as part of the family. I made sure they knew they were second to K. Believe me if any of them so much as hinted at aggression towards K they would have been outta here and living in a more appropriate place. Of course I would have cried my eyes out and missed them dreadfully but no pet is more important than risking a person's (especially my child's) safety. Accidents happen, but (un-provoked) aggression is not acceptable in my animals.

That being said, our dogs and cats have had enormous patience. Even the few times when I wasn't able to prevent K from treating them unacceptably they showed absolutely no interest in hurting K, even in defense. Methyl has never bitten, scratched or even hissed at K. She doesn't even choose to avoid K and continues to sleep by her every night despite the fact that K has hugged her and grabbed her tail/fur way too hard. TBird has endured many unintentional pokes to the eye, has been crawled over and sat on and his ears have been carefully cleaned out with a baby wipe against his will. Jackson has been hit by his toys (she has poor aim) countless times and has listened to many a board book being read to him (she sits down right by his head - it's adorable.) Tesla isn't going to know a life without small children and he's already adapted beautifully to unwanted kisses and not being able to choose his own toys. He doesn't avoid or resent K one bit which again is amazing to me, considering K's clumsiness and supremely LOUD excitement to play with him.

Tesla was sitting in the high chair and K walked up and started to give him kisses, I pulled out the camera, told K to give him another kiss and the instant my camera beeped and the flash popped up Tesla was off to investigate. This picture resulted.

Tesla says, "Come on! Play with me, please?"

Jackson says, "Are you kidding me, crazy kitten? Go bother TBird."

Tesla says, "TBird? Hello? Wanna play?"

TBird says, "Whatever, cat."

Tesla trying to even out the back leg count.

Jackson (and the bunny) listens to a book. Whether they like it or not.

How to make sure your child is NOT allergic to cats! =) Despite my encouraging Methyl to stay OUT of the crib until K falls asleep (she'll endure much less "abuse" that way!), Methyl and K play for a while and then look like this when I come in to check on them before I go to bed. Sometimes Methyl gets there late and jumps into the crib to snuggle but ends up waking K instead. When I go to see why K is crying I run into Methyl hurrying out of K's room with a "I didn't mean to - I swear!" look on her face.

Oh hai.

I haz a guard dog.