The Sock Thrower

Remember that story about the man who was throwing starfish back into the ocean? No? Then here. It's been adapted many ways. Here's one adaptation taken from the Wikipedia page I just linked to, in which the star of the story is a woman:

An old man had a habit of early morning walks on the beach. One day, after a storm, he saw a human figure in the distance moving like a dancer. As he came closer he saw that it was a young woman and she was not dancing but was reaching down to the sand, picking up a starfish and very gently throwing them into the ocean.
"Young lady," he asked, "Why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?"
"The sun is up, and the tide is going out, and if I do not throw them in they will die."
"But young lady, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You cannot possibly make a difference."
The young woman listened politely, paused and then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves,
saying, "It made a difference for that one."

I've decided to change my perspective. I don't have a starfish problem. I have a dirty sock problem. I don't have miles and miles of beach. I have inches and inches of counter with stranded cereal bowls littering its surface. Many times throughout my day I've found myself thinking "I cannot possibly make a difference." My pattern in the past has alternated between working feverishly on one thing and ignoring all other needs or giving up entirely and doing nothing. Neither of those approaches work very well for me and it's taken me five or so years to come to that conclusion. I'm ready to do something differently, even if it's only in the way I think. Especially if it's only in the way I think.

It's been quite difficult for me to dissociate my worth from how successfully I do or do not do things. This worked very well when I was employed doing something I enjoyed and was good at. This did not work so well when I became employed in service to my family as a home "maker." The repetitive household chores necessary for life to run smoothly just do not appeal to me. At all. Not even a little bit. I derive no satisfaction from cleaning up after other people (or even myself.) It has been a challenge and how I've viewed myself has suffered, accordingly. If I don't get to be happy with myself until ALL the laundry is washed and put away and ALL the dishes are clean... well then the times I get to be happy with myself are very few and far between!^1/2

Before we had children I made tasks like washing dishes and folding laundry slightly more palatable by listening to podcasts or audio books as I worked¹. I also wasn't nursing, sleep-deprived, responsible for keeping two little people safe, fed, clean (mostly) and healthy, or distracted by earnest questions from a 5-yr-old such as, "but what is gravity MADE out of?!" Additionally, Superman usually helped. We both had full-time jobs. I didn't like doing dishes or laundry but it was manageable. Then I grew a few kids, stopped working for a paycheck and suddenly it all became my responsibility².

Keeping the starfish story in mind, I now tell myself that no matter how many times a dirty sock may climb back out of the waves to beach itself upon my couch, or behind the toilet, or under the kitchen table... I can choose to pick it up and each time it will have made a difference for that one. Even if it's the same one. Multiple times a day. Each time I wash a dish it will have made a difference for that one, that time. All my precious little starfish... the paper scraps... the dirty underwear... the books... the stuffed animal... the cat toy... the pile of crayons... let me throw you back where you belong. It makes a difference every time.

This intentional shift of perspective has helped my expectations be a tad more reasonable. It's also given me the freedom to do what I can and accept that I may never have all the socks clean and folded and put away³.

Surprisingly,  I've found I've been able to do so much more as a result. I've been freed to do more. Now that the pressure is off to get ALL the starfish back where they belong TODAY (which is an impossible expectation), I'm able to slow down and enjoy the process. Yes, I sometimes enjoy folding laundry and doing dishes. Whether or not I get them all done that hour or even that day has no bearing on my worth.

I'm learning to consistently find my worth in someone far more substantial than any of my accomplishments - a loving higher power.

Along those lines and with a lovely additional point, I highly recommend reading this post, by Kathryn Thompson at Daring Young Mom. It's long but the ending is so worth it.

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^1/2Unless anti-depressants are involved and even then I wasn't convinced happiness with myself was an option.

¹Now I choose to remain unplugged and available during the hours my kids and husband are awake and home.

²Which I initially agreed it should be. We're still working out the kinks in the balance of responsibilities we both have, as well as our skills and personal preferences.

³Until I train my children to do it all!

Na(Jo)WriMo

It's NaNoWriMo time!

I do not have any desire to write fiction. I can think of two fiction stories... heh. As I sit and think, I keep remembering more. Okay. I have definitely written at least three fiction stories and all of them were written before I was 13 or 14.

I do have a very strong desire to write non-fiction and so that's what I'm doing this month. The "Jo" in this title stands for "journal" which is what I'm doing to achieve the goal of 50,000 words. So far I've reached the daily word count effortlessly.

I don't have very many other goals for the writing I'm doing. I've written about events in my day and the thoughts and feelings that came up as a result. I've written about relationships and parenting and random snippets of true-story material gleaned from observations and interactions with people.

It's all completely uncensored and with no over-arching goal or message that I'm driving at. I'm just writing. I show up for my life each day and write what I notice. I think it'll be interesting to look back at the end of the month and see what the themes and/or plot emerges. Assuming I make it to the end of the month.

Which of these is alarmingly like the (m)other?

Elaine hasn't seen the pictures of me in the previous post. Elaine has a tendency to climb things. When she did this the other day (she'll be 4 in January) I was reminded of my own desire to act similarly. Nature or nurture? I vote yes.

That was then. This is now.

I had a tendency to climb things. I still do.

These photos were taken a little more than 20 years apart, in almost exactly the same place. (Looks like the original fence post didn't last.)

Haven't lived here for 8 years.

But it still feels like home to me.
Sent from my Droid 2 Global

LONPOS

So excited to finally own this game!
Sent from my Droid 2 Global

First bike ride together since before we were married!

I feel like such a fraud. I'm all spandexed up and I don't even know how to change a flat tire!

We went nine miles and it was a ton of fun. I think I'm going to like this road biking thing (not that I ever doubted), especially with a partner like Superman. He was so encouraging and helpful and kind. It was a little unnerving to be on the road and not in a car (especially turning left with opposing traffic ALSO turning left and being just a little biker in the middle of an intersection full of gazillion-pound cars!) but I'm sure I'll adjust.

I hope my legs will eventually have a shape other than KNEE, but whatever. I'm glad to have legs and having a strong, healthy body is more important than whether or not my calf muscle is visible.

We reached speeds of 20 mph. As soon as I figure out how to shift without having to think too much about it and become accustomed to the teeny-tiny tires I'm riding on, I'm going to have a blast. I had a fantastic time today; can't wait for the next ride!

Happy things!

I was cuddling with Elaine and she was telling me everything she liked about me... "and I like your chin and your nose and your mouth and your eyes and your forehead and your happy things and your ears-"

I interrupted, "wait, what are happy things?"

She explained while gently tracing them on my face, "you know, the lines right here, Mommy, that happen when you smile at me."

Happy!

"Can you turn it up, Mom? I need to sing!" Val, upon hearing "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman on the radio.

Thankful Thursday

Anyone remember Mr. Liston and Thankful Thursdays? (ARWEN? TARA?) =)

Good. I do too.

Thankfulness has been on my mind recently. It seems to be an important part of people who are content, happy and well-adjusted, at least that's what I've read. Over the past few weeks I've ran across this idea in a number of places, so I decided to try it out.

One person (at the bottom, second #8) said she has a nightly ritual of gratitude that has been particularly rewarding.

Another person (#21) also encourages a thankful attitude in order to make you feel happier.

So I've been trying it out, and I'm thankful to report it works a lot better than cynical old me thought it would. I certainly wouldn't recommend it to be your only defense against particularly bad depression or anxiety, but for where I am now it's a useful little tool.

It's been a somewhat challenging little exercise for me, the pessimist, to intentionally cause my mind to focus on the positive. My mind thinks focusing on the positive is for sissies, so you can see I have my work cut out for me! At first it was rather like work, and I had to combat countering thoughts saying it was a dumb practice that would never amount to anything and certainly not ever produce the results those people claimed it would. Bah humbug. But then it got easier, and I started enjoying it and truly feeling like it wasn't something I was forcing myself to do anymore. I looked for ways to be thankful because I wanted to! And there are things to be thankful for all over the place (how ever did I miss them before?) Just call me Pollyanna!

Falling asleep has been difficult for me over the past month or so. This long, drawn-out episode with the scissors, stitches, hand surgery, MRSA infection, casts, antibiotics, more MRSA infection, more antibiotics, ER visits, toddler blood draws (twice and counting) and talking to more doctors than I ever cared to (but am very glad for their wisdom and commitment)... it's been a lot to deal with. Plus, due to Superman's work schedule I'm usually going to bed alone more often than not.

In the past it's been tough not to replay the day in my mind and hone in on what went wrong and what I should have done. I tended obsess over the poor decisions I made and the scary "what if" scenarios that quickly spiral out of control. I would combat that by staying awake doing other things until I was utterly exhausted, and then fall into bed, sure that I was too tired to lay awake for very long.

These days I am happy to report that I'm able to fall asleep much faster, just by thinking over the day and being thankful for all there is to be thankful about. Yes the old thoughts still creep in every now and then, but the ratio of positive to negative is much, MUCH healthier overall!

And hey, guess what? I'm happier!

Diva

ATTN: This post is about menstruation. That is all. You have been warned.

 

 

 

 

Ladies and... ladies! I cannot believe I've gone most of my menstruating life without even once hearing about something called a menstrual cup. When I'm done explaining what it is, you might decide it's not for you but at least you will have heard about it and hopefully will spread the word to those who may be interested. Of course I'm hoping you'll decide it's worth a shot and enjoy happier periods than you ever thought possible.

What is it?
It's a silicone or latex cup that collects menstrual flow.

Why would I want to use it?
Let me count the ways!
One: when inserted properly you cannot even feel it's there. At all. I'm not kidding. I've forgotten I'm on my period.
Two: reusable! You won't have to buy as many pads or tampons - save money and save the environment! Menstrual cups can be used for many years!
Three: no unpleasant smells. I don't think I need to go into that one.
Four: it's so comfortable.
Five: did I mention that I've (temporarily) forgotten I'm on my period while using it? Forget about all those ridiculous tampon/pad/pantyliner commercials. THIS is truly a happy and comfortable period.
Six: you'll probably have to empty it much less often than you would have to change a pad or tampon.
Seven: you can't feel it at all. Jumping jacks, summersaults, horseback riding, exercise, whatever. It feels like nothing is there, not even your period.
Eight: you don't have to take it out to use the bathroom.
Nine: many women think that switching to a menstrual cup has resulted in less menstrual blood. 
Ten: have I mentioned how great it feels? No gross pad or tampon to worry about.
Eleven: it's much less likely to leak or result in stained clothing.

When would I use it?
Every day (and night) of your period. Heavy days, light days, medium days. I choose not to use it at night because, well, because. Many users say they only need to change it every TWELEVE hours. I wholeheartedly wish that was true for me, but it's not. Sadly, it appears I'm neither average nor typical. On my heaviest days I empty it every 2 to 3 hours and can go half to the whole day on my medium to light days. Again, once you know your body's patterns it's a piece of cake.

How exactly does it work?
The menstrual cup is held in place by the vaginal walls. It is not a cervical cap (like a diaphragm.) Wash your hands before inserting it. Once it's in, you just take it out however often you need to, dump the blood into the toilet, wipe or wash the cup out and reinsert. Most of the time you'll need to do it so infrequently you can usually manage to do it at home, but I've used public restrooms without too much difficulty. At the end of your cycle you boil it to sterilize it and then put it back in the cute little cloth storage bag until next month. There is definitely a learning curve to inserting it correctly and discovering how often you need to empty it but once that's taken care of you're SET. Yes, this means you get blood on your fingers and having to learn about your body a little, but for me the benefits FAAAAAR out-weigh the minor inconveniences. Really, it's no more inconvenient than having to remember to bring and then dispose of feminine hygiene products.

Where do I get me one of these?
I thought you'd never ask! I have a DivaCup, and have been using it for about six months.
There's also a Moon Cup.
And a Keeper.
And a Miacup.
And a Lunette.

Softcups are single-use menstrual cups designed more similarly to a diaphragm, so not all my reasons to use apply here, but it's kind of in the same category.

Also, it should be noted that I would certainly recommend some sort of liner to wear in conjunction with the cup because spotting is typical when the cup is full. Also, in the (very!) rare event that the cup changes position and leaks, a back-up of some sort is nice, particularly as you adjust to using the cup. For this I highly recommend Amy's Rag Bag.

 

And that's it! Who among you currently uses a menstrual cup? What has your experience been?

If you have further questions I am more than happy to answer whatever I can. Email me: beck[at]superbeck[dot]com!

Envious?

Hey guess what - I think I like getting massages!

I'm not a very touchy-feely person in general so I was wondering if I would like it. I know all the advantages of having relaxed muscles and just the general sense (and actual existence!) of well-being that can result from regular massages... but just knowing they're good doesn't mean I like them, necessarily.

But it turned out I did.

Superman has been looking forward to tonight since he scheduled our appointment two weeks ago. He's the one with a Massage Envy membership. I totally support and encourage him and happily budget for it... but I don't know if I'm ready to commit to monthly massages (how crazy am I?!?)

I will say that my back feels wonderful, though.

Game on

Everyone just left our house after the game night we hosted. I guess I can go get all the dirty dishes I hid in the garage sink now.

It was so fun! We did play games, too, so success all around. The kids played a fun game called Zingo and then later the adults played girls-against-boys Pictionary and the boys won. It was... loud. I think we'll have to modify the rules (perhaps no all plays?) if we do it again because it was pretty tough to hear at times! Their best win was "dumbbell" guessed in six seconds and ours was "orchestra" guessed in ten seconds. (I drew the orchestra, which consisted of a stand-up bass, cello, and half a flute before someone guessed it and I'm completely blanking on who - take credit in the comments please!)

---

Earlier Val and I went on our first clothes shopping trip EVER together and found a lovely flower girl dress and shoes for the wedding next month. (Mista & Mrs Blades? I never know what to call you.) Val also got to pick out a pair of flip flops that are made entirely of plastic (die, environment, die!) and light up each time she takes a step. Also, pink! Purple! Ladybugs! Butterflies! Sparkly!

I need to be careful how much I complain about over-the-top girly girl things such as this because I do want Val to know that what matters to her is very important to me, I just do not at all share the same interests. =)

 

Kindred

This past Saturday I was fortunate enough to be able to hang out with some of my very favorite people from my old job. None of us work there any more. All of us are happy about that.

Shannon was my faithful book supplier. It would seem every time we talked she'd thrust more books into my happily outstretched arms. I think it took her a while to comprehend that no, I did not consider it annoying!

Satch reminds me of TAB in more ways than I can count, which is perhaps one reason we seemed to hit it off so well. I loved answering and discussing his out-of-the-blue deep, philosophical or theological questions as we worked together.

I finally had the time to learn how to make a picture slide show complete with captions and music, so I'll share it with you here. We talked about grace much of the time, plus it was raining when we got there, hence the music. Also, some of the captions probably won't make sense.

Brightly shining

I like this picture. Do you want to know why I like this picture? I'm in it.

Also, my favorite brother named TAB is in it. Also, we're singing O Holy Night.

Also? I love Christmas.

 

Scattered

Some days I still don't believe that I am able to choose my attitude. Today has been especially difficult to put that into practice. It's a nice thing to say but have you ever TRIED choosing to be happy? Or, more realistically, choosing not to stomp around all growly and resentful? I can only hope the struggle gets easier with time (and practice.)

Two day ago I ran out of gas on the freeway just one mile from my exit. Based on my previous knowledge of the car (when Superman ran out of gas) I estimated I had closer to 80 miles to go after the gas light went on. Turns out I had only 63.2.

Last night I locked my keys in the car.

Dare I get behind the wheel anytime soon? Don't things come in threes?

I'm losing weight and hate it. I realize mine is a unique struggle but it still is a struggle. I just want to maintain at a healthy weight for my height, which is at least six more pounds than my current weight, and I'm still slowly dropping. What the heck, body? I should probably commit to a more regular exercise routine. And remember to eat healthfully. Self control is HARD, dangit.

My heart has been smiling to itself all day today because last night a bunch of men delivered a beautiful FREE piano in good condition. I have a piano! I love being able to just sit down and play a song or two whenever the mood strikes throughout the day. I also love that when I do play, Val stops whatever she's doing and comes running to dance to the music.

So right! So... write!

I have been a lifelong fan of Adventures in Odyssey which is the very best radio drama out there, in my opinion. They're so much more than "just stories for kids." I still look forward to each new album and impatiently wait for my mother to get done listening so I can borrow it. Philip Glossman, a notorious bad guy on the series, is voiced by Paul McCusker who is also a producer, writer and director of the show. During an interview I heard recently on this podcast, Paul described writers like this:

"I think any writer is absorbing - writers are leeches, okay, let me be clear about that. There is no human being we ever meet, no situation we encounter no matter how good or bad that there isn't part of us, somewhere in our brains where we're taking notes. We're always taking notes. We're taking our reality and filtering it through our writing. That's just the way we do it."

That's it. That's exactly it. I've done this for as long as I can remember. I don't do it well, yet. It's not as practiced and developed in me as it is in other writers. (I wouldn't even call myself a real "writer.")
This writer, for example has practiced and developed her skill. I'm in awe of her ability that appears so effortless (and she has two kids about the same age as mine!)

But I am always watching, observing and trying to remember and record. It doesn't matter if the situation is mundane or thrilling. I can't turn it off. It's like there's another version of me, a third party, a neutral fly-on-the wall that is taking notes and describing the situation. I'm constantly trying to figure out the best way to tell the story to which audience, always thinking of the perfect word formation or transition. If it doesn't come to me or I can't manufacture an acceptable alternative I'm very irritated at settling for second best, but the desire to write for the sake of writing usually takes precedence. Note: most of what I write on here is the second best. It's writing for the sake of writing. It's lazy writing. It's VERY tired writing. =)

In the past few years I've turned and watched myself watching people (wha?) and wondered if feeling a need to watch and take notes was a normal thing. No one else I know seems to do it. Well, a few, but we've always considered ourselves to be odd ducks.

I like to write, that's not a surprise to me, but until Paul phrased it like that I had never made the connection between the watching and mental note-taking and the urge to write. It makes SO much more sense now.

Of course writing (and a whole truck load of other things for that matter!) have all taken a backseat to my current role as caretaker of two precious little girls. But one day... some day... I hope to be able to nurture my writer-esque habits. Maybe even take some classes. There are so many stories I want to tell.

Happy Day!

I cannot even begin to tell you how thrilled I am to announce that my little (tall) brother (man) has gone and asked a simply marvelous lady to marry him. To say I approve would be an understatement. If you don't want to take my word for the fabulousness of my sister-in-law-to-be, you can ask Val. Val has pretty much adored her from day one, literally.

I'm excited because I'll FINALLY get to see them kiss. You can't be married and not kiss, you know. I hope they realize this.

 

Grounded

To be known is a lovely thing. Some friends know you in some ways but not others. Other friends know you in most ways but not a few. Your spouse knows you in almost all ways but there are still quite a few things to be known and discovered as you change and grow together. There is nothing about me that God does not know or is surprised by.

This afternoon my fabulous Jenny came to see me instead of going to Chinatown in the city. (I beat out Chinatown - awesome!) I don't know what it would be like to be anything other than long-distance friends but I love how no matter how much time has passed since we last talked or have seen each other... we just pick right up and dive in to the matters of our hearts. And I always come away refreshed and thankful.

It's nice to be known and loved anyway. Thanks Jenny. =)

Sunrise, sunset...

Today Val began saying, "yes Mommy" consistently.

She's agreed with me before but it's always been a babyish "yeah" or "uh-huh" and before that it was nodding and smiling while signing "please." Then all of a sudden here she is saying "yes!" plain as day. No hint of a lisp, even. She's been expanding her vocabulary at an alarming rate. She's also started to use complete (simple) sentences. It seems like she learns how to say and correctly use 8 new words a day, at least. It's ridiculous. I can practically see her mind unfolding before me. I'm afraid to look away (for more than one reason!)

Today I listened to her tell me about how she was blowing bubbles at Miss Lynda's house and they were going, "pop! POP! pop!" and suddenly tears sprang to my eyes. Here I am conversing with a little girl. Where was my baby? Where was that sweet infant that made me a mother and allowed me to see my husband become the fantastic father he is? Does it really go this quickly? The days are so, SO long but the years are so short they shouldn't even be called years.

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...and they expect me to be able to hold it together enough to STAND as she starts the walk down the aisle at her wedding?

I've never experienced anything so poignantly bittersweet as motherhood.