Delta S

Birthday sushi

2012-03-02T23:17:00.001-08:00

As soon as Val got back from having her first cavity ever filled (I feel like such an awful mom) I went out and bought loads of candy to make this: candy sushi.

Not only is it Dr. Seuss's birthday today, it's also my lovely sister in law's 24th birthday! We celebrated at my parents' house with a delicious spaghetti dinner. After dinner a family friend (she's known me my entire life!) came over to teach us how to make SUSHI! This was just as amazing as I thought it would be and sooooooo delicious. You have no idea how satisfying it is to be able to dream up and then construct your own sushi roll. And then eat it! It was so much fun. I think sushi parties will definitely be in our future.

Here's a link to some pictures (taken by me, my brother and my SIL): enjoy! (We sure did!)

Teenager

2012-03-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very teenager-ish lately, attitude-wise. Stuff just isn't fair. I want to go out and do my thing but then after I've worn myself out with all the fun stuff I want someone else to step in and pay my bills and feed me. I'm grumbling that if other people aren't acting like grown ups, why should I have to. Whine whine whine.

My sponsor assures me that being a grown up (dealing with everyone and everything in a mature, balanced, reasonable way and taking care of my own dang self) really is worthwhile and even to be preferred but my teenager self remains skeptical. Go to bed before midnight? Seriously? But that's so BO-ring. My life will be over if I become one of those old people that look forward to going to bed at nine. I won't ever succumb! I will be invincible! I will do it ALL! Just you wait and-zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And then my daughters wake up and are hungry (like, for food! that some adult (crap, that's ME) has to prepare for them!) at six in the morning (sometimes seven, if I'm lucky) and I mutter sternly to myself that toNIGHT I will BE sensible and reasonable and I WILL remember what it feels like to wake up with not enough sleep. And then of course by the time night comes I'm feeling all teenagery and promptly toss out such stupid, silly rules. Come ON. Go to bed NOW? What FOR! I made it through today, didn't I? I'll make it through tomorrow, too! No biggie. And so I stay up reading. Because that's what I did many nights of my actual teenage years. That and chatting on AOL IM. Boy, those were the days. Dabeckstr, anyone?

I'm going to be 30 in a few months. This flip-flopping pattern just can't go on! Not only is it making me crazy(er) it's a downright lousy example to be setting for my kids. Additionally, they'll both be in school this fall (Val in kindergarten and Elaine in preschool two mornings a week) and I'm actually going to have to take them there. Which, you'll notice, involves leaving the house in something other than what I wore to bed, hopefully. And, you know, making sure the kids are dressed, brushed and fed, too.

I hope I figure out this grown up thing before I'm dead. I really do hear lots of good things about it. Seems worth a shot.

Sleep in snuggly peace

2012-03-01T14:24:00.001-08:00

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My parents' back yard

2012-02-28T23:14:00.001-08:00

Pretty much the only way pink can take my breath away...

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2012-02-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

By the time I sit down to write about things that flitted through my head as possible blog material I am completely exhausted and incoherent. And yet I still have the desire to write, but am just aware enough to realize how much it is NOT how I wanted/imagined it to be/look.

This is one of those nights. Brain dump.

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Self-care is not selfish at all. Unhealthy obsession with self-care is, and this is a tricky line to define, probably because there are about as many ways to correctly care for one's self as there are people. What could be(come) an unhealthy obsession for me is perfectly healthy and allowable in someone else.

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Would-be tweets:

"I just can't win with me."

"Our downstairs neighbor plays the piano really well, but not often, so when they do it's all I can do to keep myself from pressing my ear against the floor to better enjoy."

"First attempt at roasting a (already fully-cooked) turkey. Apparently I thawed it incorrectly (breast down.) Carving was fun, though I never have been good at cutting up birds efficiently."

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I'm very, very, very slowly learning that waiting to give advice until I'm asked feels so much better than just bulldozing people with it. Probably feels better to them, too.

Along those lines here's a quote from Pinterest that caught my eye, "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out." Indeed.

Oxygen

2012-02-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

Elaine is going through this adorable phase in which she narrates her actions in the third person. It goes something like this:

"The sweetie loves her Mommy!" Elaine flings her arms wide and hugs me. She then walks to Superman and announces, "the sweetie loves her Daddy!" and hugs him, too.

Later on I heard things like, "...and then she ATTACKED the dragon [Elaine makes vicious stabbing motions] and it was dead and HOORAY and they were safe and went to the castle and went to bed."

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I observed a teddy bear getting an x-ray (presumably) in our play area, earlier. The bench to our keyboard was turned upside-down and the bear rested on the underside of the seat. Val balanced a magna-doodle on the bench stand, positioned over the bear, and drew what the x-ray camera "saw." It looked like a teddy bear. I watched to see if the poor bear had anything unusual going on with its bone structure or if there was anything depicted in its stomach or intestines but the x-ray technicians were distracted by a suddenly urgent need to administer shots and band-aids to the long-suffering bear.

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Speaking of the keyboard that isn't really ours but belongs to my parents... I wish I played it more. If I had time and money I'd begin taking lessons again. I miss making music. (I also miss having a grand piano just down the hall from my bedroom, which is a large motivator in one's desire to make music. The piano, not the bedroom.) I need regular doses of music, which is something I've forgotten far too frequently.

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For a whopping TWO days in a row, I have walked TWO miles. Celebrate! I think the absolutely gorgeous weather had something to do with it, as well as an increasing awareness of my need to take care of myself. I hear that taking care of one's self can really be effective in combating depression and anxiety. Novel concept!

I've really been stuck on this whole idea that someone ELSE is SUPPOSED to take care of me and I have a long list of just how that is supposed to happen. If Superman would only ________. All Superman has to do is ________ and everything will be great! I wish Superman would just _______. Seriously, how hard would it be for Superman to _______?! Here's the formula: If this, that, or the other person would do this, this and this, THEN I can be okay, but until they do... I can't be okay, and therefore will remain miserable.

I vacillate (there's that word again!) between that and another highly erroneous idea that I am completely fine and I'll manage ALL on my OWN, and I do NOT need ANY help, thank you very much... because to risk asking for the help that I desperately need and then not get it? Might just be more than I could bear. So instead I "protect" myself and try to appear as though I'm doing just fine and suffer immensely all by myself instead. Denial's a pretty powerful force.

This 12-step group I keep harping about has slowly begun to open my eyes to a whole new concept. I can take care of myself. I can take care of myself?!? I can take care of myself! Lots of times taking care of myself means asking for help, and this is a learned skill (both the asking and the knowing what to ask for.) I can also ask God (the higher power of my understanding!) for help and you know what? He answers me. He particularly seems to delight in answering me in ways I hadn't even planned for him to answer, which is precisely His point, I think. I'm part of HIS plan, not the other way around. In fact, taking care of myself (to the best of my ability and resources, which DO include other, willing people, at times) really is the best thing for everyone because until I'm taken care of how on earth can I consistently and effectively meet the needs of the people who rely and depend on me? Loving your neighbor as yourself is God's second greatest command... and this is pretty difficult to do if you don't love yourself at all and actually kind of hate yourself at times. My needs are just as valid and important as the needs of anyone else. Strange but true!

My current favorite analogy regarding self care is to put your own oxygen mask on first, then help those around you. Because someone flopping around on the floor gasping for breath really isn't going to be very much help to anyone. And your own condition will just get worse and worse. Plus, you're teaching your kids by example that putting your mask on isn't necessary or important or a priority. That's pretty dangerous.

Rainbow soap

2012-02-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

It didn't turn out how I imagined but it was fun to try!

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Thumbs up!

2012-02-25T12:48:00.001-08:00

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Driven

2012-02-25T08:17:00.003-08:00

My Superman will bike a minimum of 40 miles before lunch. Possibly 60. It is, of course, my personal opinion that he is amazing.

*UPDATE*

No one showed up to the morning ride so he went in the afternoon. He rode 49.52 miles in 3 hours and 10 minutes. His top speed was 39.9 mph. He's in the hot tub now.

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Lent

2012-02-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

I'd never been to a Lent service before tonight. There are ashes on my forehead now. Goodbye Twitter and Facebook. Good thing I ditched them before filling up my time with yet ANOTHER group.

After the Lent service I went to a 12-step group at church. It's women only and fairly structured in that there will be homework and you're expected to go weekly for 16 or so weeks. It'll be interesting to see how it'll fit into my life.

In addition to that I am in (and have been in) two Bible studies (also with daily homework.)

I like to learn. I also like to stuff my head full of information that I never quite get around to applying in my life. Or I'll apply it only when it's comfortable and non-threatening to do so. I really like knowing stuff. I really don't like to practice what I know (looking back at my track record thus far.) The 12-step work is good though, because it's all about applying. After a certain number of meetings you just can't not begin to see your life differently and working the program in some way is inevitable if you, as they say, keep (on) coming back.

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Our time as a one-car family is drawing to a close. Superman is needing his own (non-bicycle) wheels more and more often due to work. We'll definitely need another vehicle by the time Val starts kindergarten. It's been nice having just one car. I'll miss it. It made life simpler and saved us lots of fuel.

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Today didn't really go as I planned. I have a hard time with that, sometimes. I have a hard time not thinking that if I somehow had planned differently or been or done something differently, then things could have gone how I planned. That's just not always true.

To go along with the quote from a few posts back...

2012-02-22T08:53:00.001-08:00

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'Ben eats lots.'

2012-02-21T20:56:00.000-08:00

That's the first sentence that Val wanted to read completely on her own, decided to try, and got right all by herself.

I just got back from her room, where I went to investigate some excited shouting. (Taking books to bed has been and will always be allowed. Hmm. Until they start staying up until 2 am reading, I guess.) I found her jumping on her bed shouting "I READ! I READ! I READ! I READ!"

She pointed to a sentence in and checked with me, "Does this say 'Ben eats lots'?"

It did.

She pointed to a word and asked for more verification, "And does an 'e' and an 'h' say 'he'?"

I told her it did.

She started jumping around on her bed again, so excited and proud of herself.

Ah, the joy of reading! I'm SO proud of her. She's sounded out words and "read" (guessed/memorized/looked at pictures) under my direction before, but I think tonight a big piece of the puzzle clicked into place. So glad I got to witness it. =)

Crazy Love

2012-02-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

This is the second time I've read this book (which is written to Christians.) I used to listen to Francis Chan's sermons via podcast while I worked, back when I worked for a paycheck. I enjoy his honest, direct approach.

Some excerpts...

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Isn't it a comfort to worship a God we cannot exaggerate?

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It is not scientific doubt, not atheism, not pantheism, not agnosticism, that in our day and in this land is likely to quench the light of the gospel. It is a proud, sensuous, selfish, luxurious, church-going, hollow-hearted prosperity.

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Lukewarm people don't really believe that this new life Jesus offers is better than the old sinful one.

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Lukewarm people say they love Jesus, and He is, indeed, a part of their lives. But only a part. They give Him a section of their time, their money, and their thoughts, but He isn't allowed to control their lives.

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The truth is, their lives wouldn't look much different if they suddenly stopped believing in God.

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My conclusion? Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing. The thought of a person calling himself a "Christian" without being a devoted follower of Christ is absurd.

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Mark Buchanan writes, "Physical sickness we usually defy. Soul sickness we often resign ourselves to."

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God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives.

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Personal experience has taught me that actions driven by fear and guilt are not an antidote to lukewarm, selfish, comfortable living. I hope you realize instead that the answer is love.

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George Bernard Shaw wrote, "This is true joy in life, the being used up for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

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Back when I was in Bible college, a professor asked our class, "What are you doing right now that requires faith?" That question affected me deeply because at the time I could think of nothing in my life that required faith.

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We are consumed by safety. Obsessed with it, actually. Now, I'm not saying it is wrong to pray for God's protection, but I am questioning how we've made safety our highest priority. We've elevated safety to the neglect of whatever God's best is, whatever would bring God the most glory, or whatever would accomplish His purposes in our lives and in the world.

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The average Christian in the United States spends ten minutes per day with God; meanwhile, the average American spends over four hours a day watching television.

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I wrote this book because much of our talk doesn't match our lives. We say things like, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me," and "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." Then we live and plan like we don't believe God even exists. We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through.

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I've made a commitment to consistently put myself in situations that scare me and require God to come through. When I survey my life, I realize that those times have been the most meaningful and satisfying of my life. They were the times when I truly experienced life and God.

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We've conditioned ourselves to hear messages without responding. Sermons have become Christian entertainment. We go to church to hear a well-developed sermon and a convicting thought. We've trained ourselves to believe that if we're convicted, our job is done. If you're just hearing the Word and not actually doing something with it, you're deceiving yourself.

A day

2012-02-20T22:46:00.001-08:00

I took some time tonight to read over my blog entries from a little over seven years ago. I wrote differently back then.

I'd love to write more these days but I fear over-sharing. A lot of things I'm working through right now are intensely personal and while I certainly don't mind talking about intensely personal things with the right people, I wouldn't want to confuse and/or upset other people by sharing stuff here.

Also, I somewhat resent being/becoming a "mommy blog" because I was blogging LONG before I became a mother and there is much more to me than what I do with my kids every day (though lots of time it's hard to remember that.)

But, such is life. This is the stage of life I'm in right now. I have an almost five-year-old and a three-year-old.

*sigh*

I'm planning to stay up until midnight tonight, at which time I will log onto the city's website and register Elaine for preschool this fall. I am told that space goes quickly and I really would like to get her into the T/Th morning class.

(I'm listening to Mumford & Sons right now.)

My sister and I have set up a temporary arrangement (until she is more regularly employed) where she comes over once a week and babysits while I do whatever the heck I please for a few hours. It just so happened that today I felt like mopping the floors. I even scrubbed the baseboards.

There's this saying in recovery circles that goes like this: progress, not perfection. My problem is that I want my progress to be perfect, which, by definition is doing it WRONG. Or at least as perfect as I know how to control it to be. Also not helpful. But part of my (slower than I want) progress, all the same. Perfectionism really is a vicious mental habit to shake. Even in trying to "cure" myself of perfectionism I will often attempt spectacular failure so that I can NOT be perfect... um... perfectly?

Going to group each week helps. It helps to hear other people's struggles and triumphs in their words. I look forward to connecting with people who have a common goal - healthy and loving relationships. There's really so, so much work to do within ME in order to have the healthiest and most loving relationships possible. A startling amount of work. A daunting amount of work. It's enough to make me want to turn right back around and resume explaining to everyone ELSE why THEY are the problem and if only THEY would do this or see that or understand x, y and z... but I've tried (and tried and tried and tried) that and it only makes everyone more miserable.

Wanna hear a great quote from one of the Bible studies I'm in? Awesome!

"What is it about not being overly impressed by a sense of one's self-importance that makes one wise? If I were really courageous enough to admit that I am not as significant as I think I am, then I wouldn't always need to have the last word...

I delude myself into thinking that harshness and severity are worth it if another person is fortunate enough to gain my superior perspective¹.

Wrong."

- Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick

And now I'm too tired to type any longer.

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¹My note in the margin went exactly like this: "HA HA HA HA HA!!! (ouch.)"

My kids crack me up

2012-02-19T17:06:00.000-08:00

Val: Can you throw this in the trash for me?

Elaine, cheerfully firm: I certainly can't.

Love kills fear

2012-02-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

"And fear feels dreadful. It sucks the life out of the soul, curls us into an embryonic state, and drains us dry of contentment. We become abandoned barns, rickety and tilting from the winds, a place where humanity used to eat, thrive, and find warmth. No longer. When fear shapes our lives, safety becomes our god. When safety becomes our god, we worship the risk-free life. Can the safety lover do anything great? Can the risk-averse accomplish noble deeds? For God? For others? No. The fear-filled cannot love deeply; love is risky. They cannot give to the poor. Benevolence has no guarantee of return. The fear-filled cannot dream wildly. What if their dreams sputter and fall from the sky? The worship of safety emasculates greatness. No wonder Jesus wages such a war against fear."

- Max Lucado

Nope

2012-02-16T11:07:00.000-08:00

I can't do SSRIs. Side effects are completely, overwhelmingly miserable. Even after taking just one dose of Celexa, the increased anxiety and shaking and sweating and racing thoughts were enough to remind me of the horrible week or so I was on half the lowest dose of Zoloft. It was the same thing except worse because I kept taking the meds, hoping my body would adjust.

I think I'll try 5-HTP or SAM-e next. Maybe. And a CBT class on anxiety/depression that Kaiser offers.

And prayer.

I came across this verse this morning:

Psalm 139:3 "You chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest."

Stopping and resting is almost never implemented into the paths I chart for myself. This needs to change.

Punny offspring!

2012-02-12T15:13:00.000-08:00

I was tying several pipe cleaners to the end of a string so that Val and Elaine could play "fishing," in which Elaine was a fish and the pipe cleaners were worms. I think they believe fishing poles are used for the sole purpose of feeding fish. "We need little worms for Helena to eat, Mommy!"

Tesla LOVES to chase and play with pipe cleaners and was showing great interest as I tied them on. When I was done I handed the string to Val and said, "Here you go! Though it looks like you might catch a cat, instead."

"A catFISH, you mean!" was her gleeful reply, and she kept giggling and repeating 'catfish' to herself for a while as Tesla chased the pipe cleaners.

Bad days come... and go, if I'm lucky.

2012-02-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

Grace wrote:

"An unfortunate difference between a PPD survivor and a "normal" mom?
A bad day is never just a bad day.
It is the threat of a crash, a storm, a descent into darkness, bringing with it flashbacks vivid enough to make you tremble.
I'm so sick of constantly looking over my shoulder."

That's where I am, lately. Bad days make me jumpy and nervous. They set me on edge, desperately hoping and praying it's not the beginning again of the hell that ended a year or two ago. Especially when I have two bad days in a row. But then I have a good day. Or the bad day becomes an okay day and if I'm especially fortunate, even a good day. I remember that people have bad days, sometimes, and that's all it is. Bad days are okay. Bad weeks and months are not.

It's hard to know how to take care of myself during a bad day. Due to the months of horrible days and the medication that brought me out of it, I am not opposed to medication again, if that's what I need. But how to tell? What's the determining factor?

I've lost weight that I really can't afford to lose, and that's not good.

So much of the 12-step work I'm doing is bringing up areas of myself that are so weak and vulnerable and terrifying to me. I'm facing and experiencing emotions that I haven't wanted to at all but I must in order to heal... and all the while caring for two preschoolers and a husband. And how to care for myself in all this? It's difficult. Caring for myself feels wrong. I'm finishing up my fourth step (did resentments, now (quite appropriately) doing fears) and I feel as though this roller coaster is about to tip over the top and I will be able to coast through the remaining steps and start feeling some of that freedom and peace that comes from working the steps.

But back to the meds debate (and I've debated both sides of the matter and still end up stuck!) I vacillate (ha!) between two extremes. Lately I've started out the day being sure that I need to go on a daily medication, but by the time noon rolls around, I'm feeling much more stable and balanced and able to handle whatever comes. This has repeated for the last few days. What's the best route to take for medication? I have no idea! In the meantime I do have Klonopin, which I've used very sparingly because heaven knows if there's a genetic component to addiction - I have it.

So that's what's going on with me, lately.

A meme thing!

2012-02-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

I spent much of the time I should have been studying for college classes filling out these things. Surveys. Memes. Whatever you call 'em. Here's one for good old time's sake, courtesy of Leah and probably a bunch of other people because that's how these things work.

A. Age: Twenty-niiiiiiiiiiiiine. After June I'll never be in my twenties ever agaaaaiiiiiiiiiin. I think I was supposed to grow up somewhere along the way. I hope I do. For the sake of my kids, at the very least. On the other hand I hope I don't, also for the sake of my kids. =)

B. Bed size: California King, baby! And thanks to a husband who works nights, most of the time I have it all to myself (with a stray child or two, occasionally.)

C. Chore that you hate: I don't know that I particularly HATE one chore. Nothing's coming to mind. What I do HATE is being responsible for them ALL and that terrible feeling one gets (I'm assuming, if one were to ever do this) while shoveling snow during a blizzard. That's what chores feel like to me and I only have two lovely, not-quite-old-enough-to-really-be-of-TRUE-help children.

D. Dogs: I adore dogs. I am a dog person. I have been several dogs' person. I miss my dogs. As soon as we move into a house I want to get a dog. I love dogs. (Cats are okay.)

E. Essential start to your day: Prayer. Also, getting out of bed.

F. Favorite color: Blue. Duh.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver.

H. Height: 5'10" or so. At least that's what my license says. So I was that tall when I was 15, because they didn't update the info when I got my license and I assume it hasn't changed too much.

I. Instruments you play: I have played the piano and clarinet. Also harmonica and saw.

J. Job title: The person and people I work for call me 'lover' and 'mommy.'

K. Kids: Val and Elaine, who inspire and motivate me to be and to do better in everything. Except possibly grammar and spelling.

L. Live: Currently in a 3rd-floor 2-bedroom apartment.

M. Mother's name: Seriously? Isn't this a much-used security question? My mother's mother's name was Cora.

N. Nicknames: Beck is one of my most-used nicknames.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Just both times I gave birth.

P. Pet peeves: When a person tosses a still-burning cigarette out their car window.

Q. Quote from a movie: Well I don't know if I have a favorite but here's the first that came to mind, "Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat."

R. Right- or left-handed: I'm right.

S. Siblings: Only the most awesome ones ever. TAB (27), Mistablades (25) and LL (23).

U. Underwear: Yeah, what about it? I should probably buy more.

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: PEAS. WITH A PASSION. Like, it's rare that I can swallow them without doing the full-body shudder thing. And yet I STILL serve and eat (a bite or two of) them to show my kids that yes, even MOM does stuff she'd rather not do because it's good for her.

W. What makes you run late: My failure to plan realistically.

X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth. Back. Boring.

Y. Yummy food that you make: I used to make decent peach pies, but I do believe my little brother took over in that department.

Z. Zoo animal: Tiger.

4,000,000

2012-02-04T22:19:00.000-08:00

I love everything about the works of O. Henry. The Four Million is a collection of 21 of his stories having to do with New York City (population: four million, at the time.) I like NYC for many reasons; one of them being that it's where my mother and grandpa were born. My grandpa was born two decades after this book was published.

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She had a habit for saying little silent prayers about the simplest everyday things...

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Silent, grim, colossal, the big city has ever stood against its revilers. They call it hard as iron; they say that no pulse of pity beats in its bosom; they compare its streets with lonely forests and deserts of lava. But beneath the hard crust of the lobster is found a delectable and luscious food. Perhaps a different simile would have been wiser. Still, nobody should take offense. We would call no one a lobster without good and sufficient claws.

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A sudden fear seized Soapy that some dreadful enchantment had rendered him immune to arrest. The thought brought a little of panic upon it, and when he came upon another policeman lounging grandly in front of a transplendent theatre he caught at the immediate straw of "disorderly conduct."

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It was a day in March.

Never, never begin a story this way when you write one. No opening could possibly be worse. It is unimaginative, flat, dry and likely to consist of mere wind. But in this instance it is allowable. For the following paragraph, which should have inaugurated the narrative, is too wildly extravagant and preposterous to be flaunted in the face of the reader without preparation.

Sarah was crying over her bill of fare.

Think of a New York girl shedding tears on the menu card!

To account for this you will be allowed to guess that the lobsters were all out, or that she had sworn ice-cream off during Lent, or that she had ordered onions, or that she had just come from a Hackett matinee. And then, all these theories being wrong, you will please let the story proceed.

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True adventurers have never been plentiful.

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We are grown stiff with the ramrod of convention down our backs.

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He who has been denied the spectacle of a busy Manhattan broker during a rush of business is handicapped for the profession of anthropology.

Anybody want a peanut?

2012-02-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

Done with The Princess Bride by William Goldman. Hadn't read it before and thoroughly enjoyed it.

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The beef-witted featherbrained rattleskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed boys.

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All I can suggest to you is, if the parentheses bug you, don't read them.

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"...but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more .I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter." - Buttercup

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(This was long after hairdressers; in truth, ever since there have been women, there have been hairdressers, Adam being the first, though the King James scholars do their very best to muddy this point.)

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"I understand completely what you are trying to do," the Sicilian said finally, "and I want it quite clear that I resent your behavior. You are trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen, and I think it quite ungentlemanly."

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"I always think everything is a trap until proven otherwise," the Prince answered. "Which is why I'm still alive."

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"Enough about my beauty," Buttercup said. "Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westley. Talk about that."

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"But I am afraid."

"It will all be happy at the end. Consider: a little over three years ago, you were a milkmaid and I was a farm boy. Now you are almost a queen and I rule uncontested on the water. Surely, such individuals were never intended to die in a Fire Swamp."

"How can you be sure?"

"Well, because we're together, hand in hand, in love."

"Oh yes," Buttercup said. "I keep forgetting that."

---

Fezzik reached the top of the wall and started carefully climbing down the other side. "I understand everything," he said.

"You understand nothing, but it really doesn't matter, since what you mean is, you're glad to see me, just as I'm glad to see you because no more loneliness."

"That's what I mean," said Fezzik.

---

Inigo looked at him. "You mean you'll forgive me completely for saving your life if I completely forgive you for saving mine?"

"You're my friend, my only one."

"Pathetic, that's what we are," Inigo said.

"Athletic."

"That's very good," Inigo said, so Fezzik knew they were fine again.

---

"Don't pester him with so many questions," Fezzik said. "Take it easy; he's been dead."

"Right, right, sorry," Inigo said.

---

"I suppose I was dying again, so I asked the Lord of Permanent Affection for the strength to live the day. Clearly, the answer came in the affirmative."

"I didn't know there was such a Fellow," Buttercup said.

"Neither did I, in truth, but if He didn't exist, I didn't much want to either."

---

But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

Oh my heart

2012-01-31T11:55:00.000-08:00

This morning I sat with Elaine on the couch while I read my Bible. She had just stumbled out of bed and wanted a warm place to finish waking up. I had my arm around her. After a bit she moved and put her head on my chest. She was still for a while, then whispered, "I hear your heart, Mommy." I smiled and hugged her.

Then she moved slightly so that her chest was pressed up against mine and said, "Now our hearts are together."

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”

- Elizabeth Stone (Thank you, Carrie, for letting me know whose quote this is!)

Me Talk Pretty One Day

2012-01-28T16:41:00.000-08:00

Some excerpts... most are funnier in context. My favorite part was probably when he and several classmates tried to explain what Easter means while speaking French in a French language class.

"In an effort to impress his latest parole office, Richie was trying to improve his vocabulary. 'I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again,' he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. 'It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.'"

"In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment."

"I hate computers for any number of reasons, but I despise them most for what they've done to my friend the typewriter. In a democratic country you'd think there would be room for both of them, but computers won't rest until I'm making my ribbons from torn shirts and brewing Wite-Out in my bathtub."

"Besides, if I wanted to hear people speaking wall-to-wall French, all I had to do was remove my headphones and participate in what is known as "real life," a concept as uninviting as a shampoo cocktail."

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

Dave Barry's Guide To Life

2012-01-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

Hilarious reading that's perfect for relaxing before going to sleep. (I did start reading it last year, though.)

Eight Cousins

2012-01-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

I am one of 19 cousins. (Free tidbit from beck's life.)

I finished Eight Cousins by Louisa May Alcott (fascinating reading about her life and especially her influences!) last night. I honestly can't remember if I've read it before or not. It was nice. I've often wondered what it would be like to live as one of the "little women" (or, more preferably, at Jo and Father Bhaer's house in Little Men) and one of my favorite names for myself when playing pretend games with other kids was Jo. That or Sam.

Here are some of the excerpts I underlined in my Kindle:

"Aunt Myra is a ahem! an excellent woman, but it is her hobby to believe that everyone is tottering on the brink of the grave; and, upon my life, I believe she is offended if people don't fall into it!" Uncle Alec to Rose.

"A happy soul in a healthy body makes the best sort of beauty for man or woman." Uncle Alec

"Yet that is considered an excellent school, I find, and I dare say it would be if the benighted lady did not think it necessary to cram her pupils like Thanks-giving turkeys, instead of feeding them in a natural and wholesome way. It is the fault with most American schools, and the poor little heads will go on aching till we learn better." - Dr./Uncle Alec

"It is apt to be so, and it is hard to bear; for, though we do not want trumpets blown, we do like to have our little virtues appreciated, and cannot help feeling disappointed if they are not."

"Steve tore his hair, metaphorically speaking, for he clutched his cherished top-knot, and wildly disheveled it, as if that was the heaviest penance he could inflict upon himself at such short notice. Charlie laid himself out flat, melodramatically begging someone to take him away and hang him; but Archie, who felt worst of all, said nothing except to vow within himself that he would read to Mac till his own eyes were as red as a dozen emery bags combined."

"Tomboys make strong women usually, and I had far rather find Rose playing football with Mac than puttering over bead-work like that affected midget, Ariadne Blish." - Dr. Alec

"This love of money is the curse of America, and for the sake of it men will sell honor and honesty, till we don't know whom to trust, and it is only a genius like Agassiz who dares to say, 'I cannot waste my time in getting rich,'" said Mrs. Jessie sadly.

"Fathers and mothers are too absorbed in business and housekeeping to study their children, and cherish that sweet and natural confidence which is a child's surest safeguard, and a parent's subtlest power."

"Phebe...who stood all alone in the wide world, yet was not sad nor afraid, but took her bits of happiness gratefully, and sung over her work without a thought of discontent."

Peaches

2012-01-20T22:36:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I became aware of the difficulty I have when things seem to be going smoothly. See? I just did it right there. I typed "seem to be" instead of "are." Things can't go well. They don't. IF they are it just means that something bad is going to happen. The other shoe will drop. And then somehow, impossibly, I should have known better. I should have done something differently which might have prevented or held off the shoe dropping.

The whole time something is going well I'm largely unable to enjoy and relax because I'm internally tensing and preparing and worrying about when things will cease to go well. It's life, all of it, and for some reason I think that if I just do everything perfectly enough, I won't have to... but I'm not perfect. This is not new news. And yet I still strive to be. To do "IT" right. THE right way. There are SO many right ways to do things, I really have no idea why I obsess about the right way to do laundry. Or eat. Or brush my teeth or parent or wash dishes. Good enough CAN BE enough. I am human.

I'm mildly frustrated at my inability to get past this already because dontcha know that anxiety is Doing It Wrong.

I find it ironic that I fail to apply to this area of my life the motto I have so embraced and been okay with, for parenting. That motto is: "Do what works until it doesn't work any more. Then do something else." Whatever works for you. Sleeping through the night? Great! Glad it works for you! Not sleeping through the night but you don't mind getting up to nurse twice? Great! Glad it works for you! Not right. Not wrong. Everybody's different. And that's okay.

Both depression and anxiety take the person suffering these conditions out of the present moment. They're unable to be all there. Physically present and mentally elsewhere. Certainly not very emotionally present. I've rarely lived in the present moment. I find it to be just too terrifying most of the time. Sometimes I risk it, in the moments that seem to be safe.

Fulfilling life is about being present. Thankful and humbly accepting what comes. Riding through moments as they come, and then letting them go. Good ones and bad ones. Happy and sad ones. All kinds of feelings and moments will come and continue to come until we're dead. We can't control it or decide it even if we are convinced we can. (And if we are convinced we can, we'll eventually be proven wrong; I speak from experience.) Control is such a tempting illusion. As is perfection.

Some people self-medicate. I've tried. Oh how I've wished I could just eat more when I'm anxious, as that would solve two problems at once! I think I'm reaching the point where plain old medication is the answer, for now. I've been wondering that since September and trying many other alternative solutions without much relief. Still haven't called Kaiser to follow through, which makes me wonder if I'm trying to be perfectly in control here, too. If you're anxious about going on anti-anxiety meds does that mean you need them all the more? Probably. It certainly means you need SOMEthing.

Two things, through this, have remained completely awesome. My God and my husband. Both love me without condition and though one does so imperfectly, he has held me and supported me and I am so grateful for his physical presence and comfort.

I started this post thinking I was going to write about eating peaches and laughing around the table with my girls and husband almost two years ago. That was the moment I first became aware of how uneasy I was, at the core, and that's when I first wanted to know why. I thought some more about it and realized it was because I felt I didn't deserve that lovely moment. Surely it would be ruined or taken from me. I had to be ready and I had to protect myself because I hate it when I hurt. Something was preventing me from enjoying the abundance of gifts in my life.

I was preventing me. I hate it when I steal my own joy. I do it quite frequently and I'm really getting tired of it. This isn't working for me any more. I hope I find something that does work, soon. I'll try again, tomorrow.

(P.S. I was depressed much of the time before having kids. Now I'm anxious. I would MUCH rather be depressed. Can't control it, I know... just saying. IF I could pick... =))

Gazelle intensity!

2012-01-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight Val was playing lion and informed us that her loud roars were to "chase away the creditors." She meant predators (which in this case happened to be dinosaurs...) but Superman and I high-fived each other instead of correcting her, knowing Dave Ramsey would be proud.

Goal: join the human race

2012-01-18T22:07:00.000-08:00

The entropy has been HIGH around here lately, especially in the mornings. Well, there is energy available, but it is not really the type that can do any work to speak of. Mostly mental energy that spins around and around and around in my head until I want to climb out of my own skin just to get a break. I've applied all manner of tricks and tools I've accumulated over the years that anxiety and I have been acquainted. Different things seem to work with varying levels of success on different days. Maddening, for someone who just wants a sure thing or a solid rule, and then to be done with it. Of course, Klonopin worked beautifully every single time, but I'm reluctant to go there if I can help it. And my current levels of anxiety are no where NEAR what they were when I was prescribed that drug.

While my brain sorts itself out, I offer you some pictures from the past several days. (Before I go to bed tonight I'm going to write "IT'S OKAY TO BE HUMAN" on a paper I will tape to my ~~forehea~~ mirror. See if that helps.)

Tree-trimming at the house we used to live at.

One of the spectators.

Showing Grampy how old she'll be next week.


Self-portrait with a toilet. And a bag of trash! Oh to have an attached garage...

My. Bay. Bee.

Tall people have big feet. Usually.

Happy to be at the (FREEZING COLD) park! (Or maybe I should just go buy a decent winter coat. I was the cold one, not her.)

Happy slider.


Happy, dizzy spinner.

Shaggy climber.

Are you in a drought? No, the hills always look like this. Except for two or three weeks in the spring after it rains.

Winter in CA.

Elaine takes "stop and rest" quite seriously.

Boundless energy (and we were hiking UPhill.)


Oak tree love.

Oak trees are my favorite.

Vivid color camera function.

The end.

Stuff White People Like

2012-01-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

Out of the 150 things white people are said to like in this book, I liked 34 of them, which makes me 23% white.

Fun book.

Jaws

2012-01-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

Elaine, growling: Daddy?
Superman: Yes?
Elaine, intimidatingly: I am a shark.
Superman: You're a sweet little shark.
Elaine, decidedly displeased: No. I am not. I bite.
Superman: Oh.
Elaine: I am looking for people to EAT.

Dinner Talk Exceprts

2012-01-16T11:35:00.000-08:00

Val's question: Out of all the things you are good at, what is the one thing that you do the best?

Val's answer: Eat candy!

Books

2012-01-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

A few of my friends keep lists of the books they've read in a given year so I thought maybe I'd try that. We'll see how long I remember to do this. Maybe I should list old favorite books that I've gone back to read sections of, too. The list would be much, much longer.

I just finished One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.

The first several chapters deeply resonated with me. Could not stop sobbing while reading some parts. Then I put the book down for a while... and when I picked it up again I kind of had to work at getting past her writing style. Toward the end of the book it became easier to identify with her again.

I appreciate her words and have incorporated many of the things she describes into my life - capturing moments (I bought a Canon Elph) and giving thanks (I started a gratitude journal, back in September, when I first began reading her book.) I'm up to 118 things; my latest entries were from three days ago. It's been an interesting exercise, to be thankful, or to find something to be thankful for, in everything that comes... minutes, days, weeks.

Sunol Regional Wilderness

2012-01-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

I climbed a tree while wearing shoes today. It was awkward. Definitely not my preference.

Do you have a place you go when your soul needs to rejuvenate? I do. I went there, today, with my kids and cousin and sister and her dog.

I honestly can't tell you the names of all the roads if you were to ask for directions to this regional park, but my heart knows the way. I've been going there since well before I knew how to drive. I think almost all my dogs have been. It would be strange and highly unusual to go without a dog.

As I get closer, my heart swells with the anticipation of soaking in the glory of nature and resting in the solitude. It's similar to the feeling I got most days after college as I topped the hill on MacArthur Blvd and got that first glimpse of the ocean - that gorgeous, glittering expanse stretching away beneath me. It's about that time I'd call my mom to gloat. She knows the feeling, too. She went to that exact beach (it happens to be SAJ's beach, as well!) very frequently - nearly every day during the summers of her teen years, and countless times since.

Racing to the water!

No cell service.

Oak trees are my favorite.

What cousins are for.

Looking back...

Time for a snack and a rest.

Wintertime!

Brief Mommy & daughter side trail exploration.

Playing under the oak trees.

In which we are all doing weird things with our arms.

Needed a book. And a few more hours.

Heading back.

I highly recommend these two for all your child transportation needs.

I've crossed this bridge myself, when I wasn't much older than Val is now.

The next time you hear me whining about how much hair I continue to lose due to anemia and OMG I'm going to be BALD (yes, I'm embarrassed to admit I've done this - it's HANDFULS and HANDFULS of hair! All the time!), please feel free to roll your eyes and direct my attention to this photo. Yes, my hair is thinner than it has been, but fortunately, it can stand to be thinned.

This was during part of our tick check.

Not bad for the dead of winter, eh? It's good to be a California native, especially on days like today.

Latest pastime...

2012-01-08T22:29:00.001-08:00

(Mine's the one on top; Superman's is below.)

I usually win, though only just barely.

Sent from my Droid 2 Global

Back at CoDA

2012-01-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've missed going to my CoDA group. As it was, I still had to get up and go out to cough pretty frequently - I sat near a door just for that purpose. Tea helped a little. It was so nice to see all the familiar faces and to check in with everyone. I didn't get to stay very late today - had to get back home so Superman could go on a bike ride. Normally my sponsor and I meet during the hour after group. Since it's a rather large group (today there were 30+ people) every week someone volunteers to be the timer. Each person gets four minutes to talk at a time, in order to give everyone that wants to share time to do so. The guy who volunteered to be the timer today used his phone instead of the old kitchen timer that's available. The ringtone was this gentle harp music... and wasn't loud enough to alert the person who was across the room that her time was up. So he changed the ringtone to this loud, angry-sounding duck which was hilarious. Whoever it was would be going along, talking about what was on their heart or mind and whatnot and then suddenly would be interrupted by this adamant duck (you get an alert when you have one minute left.) It never got old. Everyone smiled and many laughed and one lady quacked back before she wrapped up what she was saying.

I'm working on the fourth step, now. It's pretty enlightening. I thought I was a decently aware person, (aside from the things I've tried to remain in denial about, of course!) but the fourth step has taken the awareness to a whole new level for me. It's been more helpful to me than counseling, in many ways. The greatest part about 12-step work, for me at least, is that it can happen at my own pace. It's about progress, not perfection, and the path is not linear, per se. Some days I gain, some days I don't, but every day I learn as I watch myself make choices, and then discover the pay-off (emotional, mental, physical, relational, spiritual) that corresponds to each choice. Most days, I leave voicemails for my sponsor, which she then listens to and returns voicemails for me. It's such a gift, to have someone there whose main job is to listen and reflect back to me what they've heard and to act as my guide through the steps.

---

There's been talk in this household of me getting a bicycle. I am looking forward to being able to ride, especially with my husband (will have to drop the kids with either set of grandparents, first!) I'll probably get some sort of hybrid road bike. I have to say, though, that the thought of clipping my shoes into the pedals makes me kind of leery. But I've never done it before, so we'll see how it goes. I certainly understand the benefits, but the thought of falling before I can un-clip scares me! Maybe more so because I have really good balance, so am not used to falling, and if/when I do, I'm used to being in control.

---

There's a sentence. "I'm used to being in control." You know why I like to be in control? Fear. Just one of the many helpful things the fourth step has taught me so far. =)

---

GTOTD: The air/sky/atmosphere was remarkably clear today. Everything was sharply vibrant. Lovely, lovely day. Wish I spent more of it outside.

As it turns out...

2012-01-07T22:22:00.000-08:00

...I enjoy writing too much to just abandon blogging. What I will need to abandon, maybe temporarily, is the sorts of things I'd want to write here. I can still write. I can still make time to write about other things.

---

I just spoke with a Brandon from GoDaddy and I trust that in a few hours, you'll be able to read this on my domain. At long last. It's been a while. Finally made time to call.

---

Earlier today a writing prompt website came to mind and after a Google search or two, I found it! I had fun on this site when I was in college - oneword.com. They give a one word prompt and you write about it for a timed sixty seconds. There's no time to think or plan; you just see the word, and start typing whatever is in your head. And that's it. Easy and fun.

Here's what I came up with, today. The prompt was 'oil.'

"Oil was slick in the rain. Before he knew it, he was down, the bike half-crushing his left leg and knee. Helmet slammed, saw stars, prayed for safety, still trying to wrestle the machine out of the way of fellow travelers. Rain fell harder, now."

It makes me want to keep writing the scene and find out more.

---

I like efficiency. Maybe it's partly for that reason that I'm really not a fan of preparing food. Over and over. Day in and day out. People always are needing to eat. Messing up the kitchen. Cleaning up the kitchen. Such a bother. Harrumph. I wish we could just eat once per day and be done with it. Or have the appropriate amount of calories deposited directly into our stomachs. I plain just don't get much joy out of making food and doing dishes. (I should also note that despite this, I still make just about everything from scratch because... I guess because that's what my mom did. Plus, fresher ingredients, less processed food, etc..)

I tried to think of ways I can still carry out this necessary part of life (dishes and food and food and dishes! never ending!) in a way that would appeal more to me, specifically. Then I hit upon a very unoriginal idea - food preparation en masse! PERFECT! And now that I a) do not have a newborn and am not pregnant, and b) am less exhausted because I'm actually treating my anemia, I just might be able to pull it off!

Pinterest has been a great inspiration. Look.

I'm going to make these breakfast burritos next. These smoothie packets were super successful.

---

GTOTD: Library visit! Am hungry for new words.

New heights

2012-01-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

Christmas happened. Here's a picture of what Superman and I received from our daughters (with help from Grandma and Grammie.)

He's doing an MC Hammer impression. I'm pretending not to care we're being photographed.

One or all of us has been sick since early December. Currently three of us remain so. All I have to say is my abs are rock solid thanks to the cough I've had since mid-December and I greatly look forward to the time I'll be able to taste food again. Superman has been home from work with laryngitis. Elaine has the cough as well, and as she utterly despises blowing her nose, I'm worried it'll become an ear infection, too. She has a tendency to get those.

I don't even know what to write here, any more.

My word for 2012 is trust.

Some days, I feel like I'm learning the basics of daily life. Other days, I feel like I'm learning something incredibly, deeply profound. I think they're connected somehow, especially for people who are consistently joyful. People who keep that child-like sense of awe and excitement to just be alive.

My pattern has been to look around and criticize and be negative. And then to resent and start piling on the "if only"s. It's hard to break from that. And I don't want to be fake, either.

I'm kind of wondering if my years of blogging have come to an end, honestly.

I'll keep writing, I hope. Or maybe not, since I haven't been writing in my hand-written journal, either. Maybe it'll come back after I sort out some issues at the core of how I live and see myself. I hope it will.

I think I'm just at that fragile point of growth where you want to share and explain and work through it and have an outlet, but it's still so new and I'm not solidly grounded yet. One or two blasts or even questions from someone might shake me more than I'm willing to risk right now.

We went to a park, today, the four of us. There was a climbing structure that was suggested for 5-12 year olds. Elaine took to it like a fish to water. It warmed my tree-climber's heart to see how confident and sure-footed she was, and also the sheer pleasure she derived from climbing. She went to the top almost immediately. I'm proud to say she gets that from me. I also hope that her falling-out-of-trees track record is as good as mine. (I've only fallen out of trees twice. Once got me a bloody nose, and the other time I slipped and fell into a muddy swamp, which was considerably more fun than a bloody nose.)

HP

2011-11-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

One of my most-valued memories of my dad from my childhood is this:

He bought a new Bible, and then spent the next few days painstakingly going through every page of his old one in order to copy over all his notes/highlights/underlines to the new one. I've been thinking of buying a new Bible. My current one is paperback and falling apart rapidly (already packing-taped the spine.)

Also, when he's unable to recall any helpful part of a specific scripture reference (which is rare) he'll assure you that it's found "on the left page, right-hand column, near the bottom" (or similar) in his Bible. I find myself doing that, too, always mentally, if not verbally. It's comforting to know that even though I can't turn to it right this second, I know the verse's location well enough to remember its position on the page. As an adult I know that kind of knowledge doesn't happen on accident. I'm grateful both my parents have made knowing their Bibles a priority, and that I was exposed to their examples as I grew up.

12 step groups can't be worked without a higher power, and I'm thankful my parents lived relationships with God. Turns out my higher power is the same one.

Happy!

2011-10-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

"Can you turn it up, Mom? I need to sing!" Val, upon hearing "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman on the radio.

Gotta work for it

2011-10-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Superman, snuggling with Elaine: Can I have a kiss, sweet girl?

Elaine, briefly considers then cheerfully firm: Maybe next time!

Raw

2011-10-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

The function of music is to release us from the tyranny of conscious thought.
Sir Thomas Beecham English conductor (1879 - 1961)

I'm listening to Chopin Nocturnes right now. Much of my conscious thought today has been pretty tyrannical. Anxious again. I'm so tired of being anxious. Even in the middle of it, I recognize it for what it is, but am unable to make it stop. So I try all the things that have worked for me in the past. Hardly anything ever works immediately. With each attempted technique I become more and more pessimistic, falling victim to that nagging, persistent voice "itwon'tworkitwon'tworkitwon'twork" and then I frantically jump around before any technique has been given a fair chance. And even in the middle of THAT, I recognize my own self-sabotage.

Anxiety can't be forced away. It has to be replaced, I think. We have the ability to set the focus of our minds. Controlling that, intentionally, takes a lot of practice. I'm learning the practice. Slowly.

I took something called Lentra, twice, so I could be present enough to care for my girls. I don't like meds, even more naturally-based ones. Since the summer of 2009, though, I've been much more aware of my mental patterns and moods and am not above using medication when I've determined the benefits to out-weigh the possible detriments.

So now, finally, I'm soaking in music and organizing my thoughts to write - two things that feed my soul. The house won't suffer too terribly if it's neglected a little tonight. I however, will.

ESTJ + INTJ

2011-10-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Superman, with a resigned sigh: Great. Now you're going to analyze me to death.

Me, laughing: Oh come on! As if that's new? You've known me how long?

Superman, dramatic Eeyore effect: Yeah but before, you just did it for torture. Now, it's going to kill me.

Shalom

2011-10-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

People are fascinating. I could people-watch all day, any day - doesn't matter where, though I'm currently at Panera. Just fascinating.

A lot has changed since I wrote this post about being anxious. Most notably¹: I have been able to eat breakfast, and on the mornings I don't, it's just because I'm not hungry.

This pleases my naturopathic doctor (whom I've seen twice now), who included "eat three meals a day" as part of my treatment plan. I'll see her again in three months. She's been enormously helpful in other areas, too, lest you think I paid hundreds of dollars only to have her tell me to eat more. I'm still anemic, but getting better. (Considering being Iron (wo)Man for Halloween.) The next area of focus is on my kidney health (trying to dissolve a stone) and then also finding out why my body is making a bunch of antibodies against my very own thyroid. I may have a gluten sensitivity, but we will try supporting my adrenals in the meantime and see how my blood looks in three months. "This [antibodies against my own body] isn't uncommon to see in people who are very hard on themselves," the naturopath offered. Well. No argument there. I'm trying to change that, though... except actually... I can't change that without my Higher Power's help.

Which brings me to perhaps the main reason I haven't felt panicked or anxious for a while - I'm going to a 12 step group! (Hi, Beck!) Co-dependents anonymous has been tremendously beneficial to me. I tried a few different groups and settled into one that happens to meet at 8 am on Sunday mornings (uuuuuuugh) but it's more than worth it because I love the people and it feels like home to me. The people that share and listen to me share week after week GET it. They KNOW. There's such relief and freedom to be me and be open and honest with my struggles when I'm surrounded by people who empathize. I have a feeling that working through the 12 steps is going to change my life for the way way WAY better. I'm ready to pick a sponsor and plan to contact her about that this week sometime. I hope she's able to do it!

---

¹Also very notable (and probably most surprisingly, to me): I haven't taken any anti-anxiety medication at all, though I called my doctor and she gave me a psych referral.

Lovely

2011-09-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

H, in cuddly footie pajamas, crawling into my lap: Mommy? Can you sing me a love-a-bye?

Me, holding her tight: I don't know any love-a-byes, but I can certainly sing you one.

Cut from the same cloth

2011-09-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

My sister and I routinely wear each other's clothes to dressy events. This time our mother joined in the fun. Presenting... my sister wearing my dress and shoes, my mom wearing my shirt and me wearing my sister's shirt and shoes. Photo taken by Mistablades, which is why we are being towered over.

So.

2011-09-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Hi, can we talk about me for a second? Great, thanks. Actually it'll probably be the whole post.

Guess what? My anxiety has returned, slowly and steadily, it's back in full force. Every morning for 2-3 hours it's so bad I feel like puking and in fact I'm surprised I haven't yet.

I've emailed my doctor to see what her thoughts are regarding medication this time around. I am tremendously grateful for the medication I was on almost two years ago. It was enormously helpful in getting my brain out of some VERY practiced ruts long enough for me to actually focus on what I needed to do to grow and change and, oh, I don't know, take care of myself. Also, I learned to be aware of my triggers and how to re-route my brain from going down those familiar destructive paths long before it got to be something serious.

I'm afraid my brain is a slow learner.

Also, I would so much rather feel depressed. I hate the powerfully overwhelming nature of anxious thoughts. Depression used to be my default mental instability.

So I'm learning, back on this track, again. There's more to learn and apparently I'm here to do that. I'd appreciate your thoughts and/or prayers for me, particularly in the mornings. An article I read suggested to "cut back on morning stressors" and to that I say "sure! I'd love to!" but alas, I have a work-weary husband getting home at 6 am, and two children who are alternately bouncy and loud or cranky and hungry. Also, everyone needs breakfast, even me, but I usually can't eat until at least 9 or 10 am when it's highly inconvenient and we're already into our day or even off on errands. (I bring food with me for this purpose, Mother!) I do try and do as much as I can the night before (at night I'm usually feeling perfectly calm and joyful and peaceful); I even write large notes/reminders to myself on scrap printer paper with a sharpie to tape on my mirror.

The mind is a powerful, powerful thing in both negative/unhelpful and positive/helpful ways. I want my mind to be positive and helpful to me. This is a hard thing to learn quickly.

GTOTD: Talking with Ms. Ingrid at an event at Val's preschool. We first met Ms. Ingrid as Crackers the clown (can she ever do some awesome balloon animals/shapes) at a party at my husband's work, where she recommended the preschool and told me she worked as an aide there.

Bonus GTOTD: BSF!

Thought: Good habits don't become habits if you only do them when you feel like it. For some reason bad habits are better at this.

Family

2011-09-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Want to guess whose Grammy this is? =)

CoDA

2011-09-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

Codependent recovery, Doing It Wrong:

While reading CoDA literature, "OMG! This is totally describing ______ and ______ and ______! I need to share this with them, because man, if only they could SEE this about themselves. It'd be so much better for them! This is exactly what they nee--oh crap. I'm doing it again. MY recovery. Right."

We went looking for rattlesnakes.

2011-09-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Thankfully the rattlesnakes were smart enough to stay off the trail today.
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Dinner Talk

2011-09-02T19:22:00.001-07:00

Our family likes to take turns answering questions from this book during dinner time.

The girls get whatever question we think they'll have fun answering and Superman and I pick a number between 1 and 365 and answer whichever question correlates with the number. Tonight I picked 92.

Superman: "If you could invite any character from a book, TV show, or movie to do something with you, whom would you invite and what would you do?"

Beck (thoughtfully): "Hmmm. This could take me a while." I mulled over many, many books. There were too many. I don't really watch TV. Movies--

Superman (as an afterthought): "...except for Mr. Darcy because I followed you into that book and shot him."

Beck: *dies laughing*

I ended up picking Tatiana Rusesabagina (wife of Paul) from Hotel Rwanda. We would talk (meaning, I would listen) about what it means to love and what she learned about herself, her husband and her marriage after living through what they did.

First day of preschool!

2011-08-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

I swear I gave birth to her yesterday.
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For today

2011-08-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

FOR TODAY

Outside my window... a large U-Haul truck is parked, its contents now emptied into apartment number 328.

I am thinking... not as clearly as I would have been had I gone to bed when I... wait what? See. Told you.

I am thankful... for redemption.

The kitchen... is very clean and tidy, thanks to Superman's heroic efforts.

I am wearing... a skirt.

I am creating... more work for myself, always.

I am going... to bed as soon as this post is completed.

I am wondering... about website design.

I am reading... One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Dave Barry's Guide To Life by Dave Barry (!) and Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris.

I am hoping... to learn joy and contentment regardless of circumstances.

I am looking forward to... BSF starting up again.

I am hearing... nothing at all. And I like it that way.

Around the house... there need to be more picture frames hung (also, pictures put in said frames.)

I am pondering... almost continuously.

One of my favorite things... is my pen.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Val's first day of preschool, schedule a dentist appointment for me, organize my recipe binder, reschedule chiropractor appointment, buy a few necessary items for me and my kids.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing... it was taken one year ago, today, after Superman went sky diving to celebrate his 30th birthday.

No. I mean yes.

2011-08-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

Elaine's latest thing is to respond with an emphatic, "NO!" when asked if she needs help with anything. Then, a few minutes later she relents, "w-e-e-e-e-ll... maybe I do."

I think she gets that from me. Except for the relenting part. She probably gets that from Superman.

My home for the past five days.

2011-08-23T13:11:00.000-07:00

K, excited then glum: "I want to stay outside forever, but I have to live with you where it's boring."

Also K, as I packed up: "But we have clothes left, so we can stay for more days!"

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This place never ceases to crack me up.

2011-08-18T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'll grow up one day. But it is not this day!

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My little darlings

2011-08-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

Elaine: *sneezes*

[pause]

Elaine: *looks around*

[pause]

Elaine, kindly in her grown up voice: Bless you, sweetheart.

Elaine, sweetly in her child voice: Thank you.

---

Val, running to me, waving a photo she found of 4-yr.-old me: Mommy, Mommy look!

Me: What is it?

Elaine, excited: We found a picture!

Me, smiling: You did? Of what?

Elaine, continuing: Of YOU when YOU were a little darling!

Ties that bind

2011-08-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

Superman: Hey, do you like this tie?

Me: Yeah.

Superman: Cool me too. Look at the knot.

Me: *peers at the knot* Huh. Ok, cool.

Superman: Yeah there's an app for all these different ways to tie a tie.

Me: Ha! And you call me nerdy!

Wed

2011-08-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Right about here is where a post about the wedding should go. Quite unfortunately, my camera got locked in a room on accident (happened to be the one I was staying in) right before we left for the wedding, and we couldn't get the key until after the wedding. So I stole various cameras and filled their memory cards instead. If you'd like to see pictures from the wedding and the surrounding evets, let me know, I'll give you the URL and you'll have to register a username and password.

The wedding was beautiful, of course. The bride's sister composed (and performed) much of the music during the ceremony; it was gorgeous. I will never tire of watching the groom as his bride walks down the aisle. It's probably one of my favorite things to do during a wedding. Of course I look at the bride, too, but I just love seeing the guy's reaction. So meaningful and sweet.

The building had fantastic acoustics, which caused me and several of my cousins (and then aunts) to sneak back in after the ceremony and sing. Because really, how could we let all those perfectly good acoustics go to waste? We could not. And we did not.

After the wedding festivities died down a few of us went to the beach, where I was surprised to find the water wasn't all THAT cold, even by my standards. I wasn't foolish enough to swim, though, oh no. =)

Perhaps pictures/audio will be added to this post, perhaps not. It all depends if I can tether to Superman's phone tomorrow or not. =)

This is the life!

2011-08-12T16:48:00.000-07:00

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The door is a jar.

2011-08-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

Remember back in the day? When I would write nearly every day? About whatever silly things had happened to me that day? Or whatever I learned in school? Yeah, me either.

It really is a pity I can't write about my husband's work. Talk about a mostly endless supply of bloggable material. Oh! Hmm. Perhaps I can! In time. We shall see. But you'd need user IDs and passwords and stuff. Please raise your hand if you'd be willing to do that in order to read mostly uncensored accounts of Superman's job.

The thing is, when your job consists of doing mostly the same things over and over again, day in and day out, as mine does, it's kind of... monotonous. True, there are wonderful (and hilarious, if I'm lucky) bright spots and hopefully if I do my job right I'll have two beautiful, full-grown, well-adjusted people to marvel at... but... that'll take a while. I mean you can go ahead and marvel now (and I do, believe me, I do) but there's lots that still needs work. On both me AND them.

As soon as the term "mommy blogger" came into use I determined to never be ONLY one of those. I've been blogging long before I had kids or was married, even. But I suppose the term does apply, at least some of the time, to me now.

Oh guess what! I walked into a door today! I really did. I turned to leave the room almost as soon as I entered but the door had drifted closed slightly and WAS where it WASN'T just seconds earlier and so I slammed the side of my face into it like the intelligent blonde I am (or was.)

Riveting material, this. Maybe it'll get better as I go.

It's like a rule

2011-08-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have time to write, I don't feel particularly inspired to write. Whenever I do not have time and cannot stop to write, I am inspired by all kinds of things.

Guess which time this is. =)

I had a fantastic time in Maine. We made it there in near record time and I was impressed we managed to arrive only a few hours later than intended.

Many pictures from the trip are still on my phone. This is rather unfortunate, as I'd like to intersperse them in my posts but cannot because my phone charger - OH WAIT. I think I can. But I don't have time right now.

Anyhow, I left home at 9:30 am or so on Saturday and we drove around the clock until we arrived in Iowa Falls late Sunday night to sleep in real beds and take showers (and also jump on the trampoline and pet dogs and cats and visit with my second cousin and play with a cool disco ball thing for pools.)

The next day we continued on and suffered through several bouts of road construction (in the middle of the day! I don't understand it! Stopped! Completely!) before FINALLY making it to Indiana where, OMG, dude, I got to meet in actual REAL LIFE the person¹ I have known only online for the longest time out of anyone I've known only online. I've been reading his site for ten years. So that was surreal and awesome and all kinds of crazy cool and I really should have taken more pictures. We had dinner with him and his wife, and then got a tour of the library where his wife works and then had some delicious ice cream at a local ice cream parlor and then went to their apartment where we SANG. Dude. It was awesome. I finally had to tear myself away at 11 pm or so (hoping their neighbors wouldn't complain about the noise of the singing the next day!) so we could get back on the road.

The next day we stopped in Amish country, in search of meat. We ended up getting a bunch of other stuff instead - I don't recall what. Then it was back on the road once more until we arrived in New York (at 3 am) in the driveway of my uncle's sister where we slept in the van until it was a more reasonable hour. She was happy to see us and invited us in for breakfast and showers (yay!)

We found the meat we needed and pressed on (stopping briefly for ice cream) to arrive in Augusta, Maine around 7:30 pm on Wednesday. So. Cross country drive in five days? Not bad. Could have made even better time had we not stopped as frequently and for as long as we did.

---

¹Krud, of course.

Well, at least one of us was happy to meet the other.

2011-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

How is my husband super?

2011-08-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

Let me count the ways.

He took care of the kids while I was gone for several days. I came home to a clean and neat house. Laundry was clean, folded and put away. Dishes were done and the counters were clear. I collapsed in a grateful heap on my bed for a few hours and while I rested he made lunch for the kids, unpacked my backpack and restocked my wallet with cash.

I'm thinking I'll upgrade his title to Super Duper Man for a few days. =)

Only the highest quality

2011-08-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Rehearsal dinner!

2011-08-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

At a park!

Remember that carne asada I pictured a few days back? Well we ate it yesterday and it was every bit as delicious as I expected it to be.

The mother of the groom (aka my aunt) kept me busy most of the day (along with a godsend named Jed) accumulating various necessary items for the dinner and then as we ran out of time (as we always do) she sent other people scrambling for last LAST minute things and then gave me and Jed a run down of what was left to do and all that needed to be transported to the park where we'd eat. Oh yeah, the carne asada was grilled by a godsend named Geo.

So we did do all that was left to do (along with a godsend named Mary) and then transported it all to the park (along with a godsend named Daniel) and set it up.

And then we waited for the people to arrive, which they did, a little later than expected

See the full gallery on Posterous

I wanted a nickname.

2011-08-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Kirin.m4a
Listen on Posterous

I'll be attending a wedding at which there will be many people who either are attending or have attended or have graduated from LeTourneau University. Apparently the thing to do at LETU is to get nicknamed. And I was feeling left out, so "Apple" and "Staples" kindly provided me with me a nickname. This is how we (and by we I mean they) got there. I like the process. I still protest that it's too difficult to remember to say correctly but as I already have a few useful nicknames I doubt it'll stick. I'm honored to have an honorary nickname, at least, though later I discovered it's mostly just a guy thing. Ah well. =)

Geo is hero number two!

2011-08-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Still no phone though. Will try a used phone store later, after the wedding madness dies down.

Sword umbrellas!

2011-08-04T08:05:00.000-07:00

For the groomsmen.

Aaron is my hero!

2011-08-03T17:16:00.001-07:00

On our way to a Verizon store in his super awesome van.

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And much rejoicing was heard throughout the land!

2011-08-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

I just dropped my phone.

2011-08-03T13:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe my luck with phones. Superman will SO not be amused.

I hope there is a Verizon store in/near Augusta. If you need to get hold of me call my aunt or uncle.

*sigh*

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How to make carne asada marinade...

2011-08-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

...on the back seat of a mini van.

17 pounds of meat
Orange juice
Various seasonings
Beer

Then throw it in a cooler to marinate (for 24 hours) while you finish driving to Maine.

Should be delicious. I'm looking forward to it.

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See the full gallery on Posterous

Marinade in process.

2011-08-03T09:47:00.000-07:00

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17 pounds of skirt steak for carrrrrrrne asada.

2011-08-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

Only took us three tries! But we got it. Now to start it marinating while we drive to Maine.

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Our 'hotel' in New York

2011-08-03T07:31:00.000-07:00

More family. =)

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Playing the piano...

2011-08-03T05:54:00.000-07:00

11-08-03-08-51-17.wav
Listen on Posterous

... in Clifton Park, New York.

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Avocado sauce at its finest.

2011-08-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

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You mean you've never made guacamole while on a road trip before?

2011-08-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to try it. =)

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Mobile workstation

2011-08-01T08:56:00.000-07:00

Hiding under our anti glare solution (the van's sun shade) to work on wedding things. There's hope, Davy & Anna!!!

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Our 'hotel' last night. It helps to have relatives on the way... =)

2011-08-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

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Riding shotgun in Iowa.

2011-07-31T18:23:00.000-07:00

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Rawr.

2011-07-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

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Fort Kearney, Nebraska

2011-07-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Pony express stop and protection for Oregon Trail travelers.

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Over 24 hours on the road.

2011-07-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Stopping only for food, fuel and bathrooms.

Looking forward to a shower tonight in Iowa Falls.

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Good morning from Wyoming!

2011-07-31T05:37:00.000-07:00

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Push me pull you

2011-07-31T03:09:00.000-07:00

For Lady Marion.

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Wyoming somewhere.

2011-07-31T03:04:00.000-07:00

I think. It was very dark. I saw a shooting star or ten.

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Keep right except to gawk at clouds.

2011-07-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

Then you can point your camera left.

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The most exciting/interesting thing for hundreds of miles.

2011-07-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

Aside from the functional phone booth at a rest area.

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No greasy fast food for us! (At least not yet.)

2011-07-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

Home grown tangelo juice and home made brownies. My family knows how to do road trips right.

My only noteworthy contribution thus far, aside from driving, has been the audio dramatization of The Screwtape Letters (by C.S. Lewis) produced by Phil McCusker with Screwtape voiced by Andy Serkis (you may recall him as Gollum.)

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My grandma told me these don't exist.

2011-07-30T15:26:00.000-07:00

Wish we had time to stop and pick some.

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In the beginning...

2011-07-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

I got behind the wheel after 4 hours of sleep and began to transport myself and my SO much more exhausted aunt and uncle across the country. Destination? Augusta, Maine.

Let's do this. =)

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Everyone knows that if a cat is holding you down then you don't have to do any work.

2011-07-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

I mean, the purring alone compels you to remain as you are.

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Things I would have been happy to buy at the gun show:

2011-07-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

- a harmonica
- book of Tennyson poetry
- wooden duck decoy
- books about World War 2
- Norman Rockwell books
- purple Derringer

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Girly girls! At least the toes.

2011-07-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

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The flesh is SO weak.

2011-07-11T16:17:00.000-07:00

Guess what.

I heard about a free exercise class at my church. And? It has free childcare. Obviously I had to go, what excuse is there NOT to? A friend and I checked it out and promptly got our post-pregnancy, lazy butts kicked. By a nice church lady! Older than us! And she smiled while she led us in various agonizing contortions that rendered us laughingly weak and pathetic for DAYS after!

So that's what I do on Monday and Thursday nights now. It feels GOOD to be getting stronger. And endorphins are always welcome, too.

---

I struggle to remain "in the moment" a lot of the time. My mind wanders away. I'm easily caught up in almost anything else except staying involved with what's physically right in front of me (not including the laptop). Every so often, though, I'll have days or periods of time when everything snaps into almost painfully sharp focus and I obey, because how can I not? There is no other way to be. I LIVE in the moment, and it feels good.

I've had a few days like that, recently. Suddenly I have this well of self control and the ability to accurately prioritize little and big picture things as they come at me. It's been nice, in a disconcerting sort of way.